I find myself at yet another crossroad in my life. This one is complicated in that family is involved so whatever decision I make will have a ripple effect either positively or negatively onto them. Unfortunately I no longer live a life where my decisions are my consequences alone. When I am in these situations, I weigh everything logically. Sometimes I drag out my giant pad and I try to see if mathematically the numbers prove if a situation is feasible. Sometimes I sit on my computer and Google to death whatever I am seeking hoping to connect somewhere between space, time and strangers. Sometimes I force my husband to listen to all my neurotic ramblings and because he isn't caught up in the emotions he is able to summarize only the details that count. Sometimes I gather my girlfriends or my best friend (my sister) and we maul over EVERYTHING with a glass of wine in hand. As a last resort, sometimes I ask for some help from my team "upstairs".
Well, this is one of those situations. Three nights ago I sent out a silent prayer for a sign as to what direction I should take. I know in my previous prayers they have always been answered. No one believes me when I tell them this but this is true.
Back in University I was failing most courses requiring numbers miserably. As economics, calculus, finance, statistics and accounting were core courses for my Business Degree I had to pass with at least a C- to graduate. I struggled through everthing but the one course that killed me was my fourth year statistics class. I failed it once already so on my second round I finally got this tutor to help me. He was actually a Stats professor from Douglas College and was very good at teaching "challenged" students such as me. He saw me struggle everyday but like a stubborn dog I kept at it, making progress but never enough to get me the C- I needed. He felt bad for me and unlike his other students that he tutored, he confessed that I was the ONLY one that never asked him to cheat for them! Apparently he had the reputation that if you showed him enough money he would do all your assignments and projects for you. I thought his high hourly rate reflected that he was just a good tutor but I never realized it was because it was a premium "cheat" rate. Even though I studied everyday, my overall mark was just a pathetic C- and I needed at least a B on my final to pass. My entire life I had excelled and the thought of dropping out of the Business Faculty made me so nauseous that I couldn't sleep. As a last resort, for two nights prior to my final exam I prayed for a miracle. The night before my tutor gave me a mock exam to test my readiness and I bombed it. I cried. He was so overwhelmed with my emotion that he left me by myself just sobbing loudly for what felt like forever. Finally he returned. This time however, he came back with a miracle.
The year prior, one of the students actually broke into his Professor's office, stole the final exam for this exact stats class and brought it back to my tutor to work out all the answers. Coincidentally, the stolen exam was written by my Professor so the probability that he would use it again was pretty good. I stared at disbelief at my tutor's offer. He told me he normally charges thousands of dollars for this but because he had a soft spot for me this was a gift from him and more importantly he would work through it with me to solve everything correctly.
I remembered driving home and reviewing in my head what my tutor instructed. If by chance my Professor actually used this exam I was to purposely get 10-12 wrong so it wouldn't look like I blatantly cheated. The entire time I was driving my hand was trembling on the steering wheel and I kept thinking I was going to crash because of my incredible luck. No way in effin hell was this happening right? I stayed up the rest of the night going over the exam because I knew that even though I didn't understand it, I can memorize it to verbatim. I went to bed and asked my team upstairs for a miracle.
The next morning I was given the final exam. This was THE exam that would determine if my degree was to be in Business or in Geography. I turned the cover page... and almost peed my pants. According to my tutor, statistically my Professor would recycle his exams every 1/10 of a semester which meant there was a 10% chance I would get THE exam. Well here it was, sitting on my desk laid out in the exact same order that I had practiced the night before. I wanted to puke. I checked to see if anyone else can see I was sweating bullets or hear my heart pounding. I even pinched myself several times to see if I was dreaming. As planned, I got a perfect B on my exam and graduated with a degree in Business Administration.
That day, I became a believer that I had a team "upstairs." I am a self conscious student always practicing my mindfulness that I am on the path I had set out. I watch for signs, try to read what the greater Universe is sending me and chess play according to that.
Three days ago I had ask for help again. The last two days I have been seeing a higher than normal amount of large birds following me. Like 3 hawks and 3 eagles to be exact. I don't know what that means but I have a gut feeling it's a message to the questions I am asking.
Huong - this post has left me feeling anxious, excited, awed, afraid - WOW! First of all, I cannot imagine you struggling with anything on an intellectual level. You are one of the smartest people I know, so I was a little in disbelief that you would be challenged by a class. Look at the stuff you learn through blogging! Anyway, I know that you are a very spiritual person who is open to receiving the messages that are sent to you, and you are intelligent enough to interpret them when they come. I know that whatever you are struggling with right now, you will find the answers, and you will do what is necessary.
ReplyDeleteSo good to read your blog - please continue to write.