I swear the etymology of "mother" must have a Latin root that shares the word "torture" or "sadistic" some where in its lineage. Starting at the ripe age of around thirteen, the female bodies go through a rite of passage where we bleed like a mofo once a month and miraculously some how don't actually die from it. During our cycles, we are also at the mercy of uncontrollable hormones. On the one hand we're eating mounds of chocolate to offset the unprovoked crying episodes while the other hand is grabbing a bottle of wine because we're so bitchy we can't even stand ourselves. Minor inconveniences like retaining the entire Pacific Ocean and having your complexion erupt like Mount Vesuvius adds great pleasure to the existing quagmire. If given the option, I know some females would have preferred changing into a werewolf during their Goddess moon in lieu of enduring some of the excruciating cramping that confounds this conundrum. And all of this happens in preparation for bringing forth life from your loins.
Even with women's liberation and the modernity of "shared" parenting responsibilities, mother's still shoulder the majority of the burden. Genetically, mother's just seem to have a deeper understanding of the sacrifices that have to be made to nurture that "little me" into a well adapted, happy and contributing member of society. It can be as subtle as having the super hero ability of hearing your baby, who's bedroom is located down the hall, flip from one side to the other in the dead of your sleep. Yet some how Dad is slumbering like a hibernating bear even though Junior is demonically screaming his face off right beside him. It can be as relentless as you continuing to feed, clean, cuddle, and care for your baby even though you're deathly sick. Yet if Dad so much has a little sniffle, the world stops rotating on its axis and he can barely manage to wipe his own arse let alone the baby's. Mother's have an uncanny knack for multi-tasking. It's natural for most to run a household, run a business and some overachievers even run marathons just for good measure. Dads, well... most have a single focus. Expecting them to multi-task as their Mom counterparts is like watching paint dry. It's extremely painful... so painful in fact that it's just easier for Moms to just take the Dad's list as well. Mother's are also selfless. She will give up her shoe money, share the good food, repress her dreams, sacrifice sleep, and pretty much anything that originally brought her any happiness just so her babies will be happy. Dad's actually have to go through this mental exercise of constructing weighted points assigned to each pro and con prior to any possible sacrificing scenario. Here's a classic example. Someone once asked Chris and I who would you save if you were only able to save one person, your child or your partner? Obviously I passionately and without hesitation yelled, "My baby!" There was a deafening silence from Dad. Chris actually said (and I quote), "Well, I would save Huong because we can always make more babies..." I know... insert horrendous mouth drop followed by my palm smacking the back of his head. Who says this kind of shit? Dads... dads say a bunch of this type of shit.
Needless to say being a Mother can be a thankless and sometimes really crappy job so when that one day of the year comes up to celebrate that status, Mother's have to OWN it... like a boss. This year my BFF and baby sister is going to be freshly indoctrined into the society of "Mothers." No one understands the sacredness of this day until you have become one. Only another mother knows the pain you endured to earn those stretch marks or saggy milk boobs. For my first Mother's Day, my mother in law went all out to celebrate. At the expense of my father in law, she fabulously rented a limo to pick up all her moms and went downtown for afternoon high tea. I was spoiled with flowers, an amazing purse and the best gift was she thanked me for honoring her with grandchildren.
Here are the three rules of engagement of owning it like a boss for all the newbie Mothers out there:
1. All mom duties are nulled and void for the ENTIRE day. You don't clean, cook or care for kids. You lazily sleep in and you don't have to attend any type of kid function like sporting events or practices.
2. You leave the kids. Like... you get the hell out of the house and do something kidless. Get spoiled at a spa, get shitfaced with your girlfriends, get some retail therapy or even better yet, get out of the country and lay on a beach.
3. Dads pick up the tab for number two. If you even think about negotiating it, be prepared for the wrath the rest of the 364 days.
Conversely, on Father's Day the rules of engagement are as follows:
1. You spend the entire day... scratch that... the entire weekend with your kids because let's face it, you don't spend enough time with them and this holiday is all about making up for it. Take them to a game, or go camping, or go fishing which are all lovely activities that don't need Mom's involvement.
2. The day is all about making memories with your kids and the only way to do that is to have them ALL day with you.
3. Moms will support you by not judging that you brought the kids back all dirty, sun burnt because you forgot the sunscreen and half crazed on a diet of sugar cereal and chocolate because you actually didn't catch any fish on your camping trip.
Happy first Mother's Day Stephanie and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for honoring me with my amazing nephew.
