(Ahem... clears throat)... I seem to have a wee bit of a problem. I don't want to ruin the surprise twist in the plot line like in Sixth Sense where the kid blurts out, "I see dead people" but... well damn it... I might as well just drop the bomb. I see CROWS. Stop laughing, it's a serious problem. I see crows and one too many close encounters to dismiss it as just a bird hanging out on Earth. In the spiritual world I am sure this is equivalent to a rodent problem.
It started in March. I was trying to figure out if I should sign a lease on a location that was a block north of my current location because the asking rents were ridiculously cheap. When things seem too good to be true I resort to being overly cautious because I always wonder what the catch is. I plunk myself back into the driver seat of the car and quietly ask my upstairs team to send a sign I can't ignore. Right on cue a giant, robust crow comes flying down, perches it's big bird butt on the post right in front of my car and CAWS at me for a good 30 seconds while making eye contact. I almost shit my pants. I haphazardly take a shoddy picture and sent it to Rachael with a text message explaining my WTF crisis. Even though she's back at the store I can hear her eye roll and I get a text back with a cheeky, "Ya so what, it's a crow and hail mother Mary, it caws." Clearly Miss Rachael was less than thrilled with my mundane encounter.
Two weeks later I was presenting to my design client when a black crow comes smashing into the front of my store which is covered in glass windows. The noise on impact was so loud that at first I thought some idiot kid threw a rock at my window. After the initial shock, my client and I finally realized that it was a crow and when we approached the front we noticed that it was lying on it's back. Clearly the impact snapped the poor guys neck. Nope, as soon as I was two feet away, the chap rolled over, hopped back on to it's two clawed feet, toddles purposely to the front door and again, lets out this screeching CAAWWWW while maintaining an unbroken stare. After 30 seconds of this possessed state, the crow flew away like nothing had ever happened. My client started shaking. I asked her if she was okay because she went pale. Apparently her husband was swarmed by a murder of ravens just minutes before he found out his daughter died in a tragic accident. Her association to the creepy crow was obviously not welcoming. I confessed to her that yes that crow did seem bent out of hell to deliver some kind of message but I don't think it was for her. I explain to her I have a feeling the crow is trying to tell me something but being the lowly human, I don't speak crow. She calls her husband and abruptly leaves the store still in a state of shock.
A couple weeks after that I took Tai to the Vancouver Aquarium for a field trip. We were hanging out at the beluga whale and marvelling at the beauty of the poor majestic creatures trapped in a fish bowl. Tai and I were up against the tank trying to get a better view when all of a sudden a really fat crow comes swooping down and nearly shaved Tai's mohawk. It was so close to our heads I can still feel its feet grazing my hair follicles. When I turned my head to follow it, it plunked itself on the boulder beside the tank and right on cue just yells at me. Again, the CAWING was aggressive and it's stare was intense. Without saying anything, Tai blurts out, "Hey that crow wants to say something."
Several weeks later I attend my girlfriend's wine party. Silvia is hosting a wine tasting party with a dozen well dressed women from her pilates group. I have not met any of the fun women but attended anyways because hey, if there is booze and someone wants to feed me I feel obligated to say yes. I get into a deep conversation with a woman who recently experienced the worst pain imaginable. She lost one of her children in a tragic motor bike accident. She was explaining to me how hard it was to wake up even though she still has a daughter and a great life. She was grasping for the meaning of the senseless lost. Right on cue, a black crow swoops down perches itself on the roof and CAWS at us. Silvia's sister turns to our direction and we exchange a "look." So for some reason this crow was brave enough to appear amongst a group of very loud and drunk women and just CAW. I should also mention that Silvia's roof line at this level was only 10 feet tall so it was a very intimate experience. Silvia also experience a terrible lost recently. Unexpectedly, her husband's brother died from a heart attack while snorkeling on vacation at the begining of this year. Ever since his death she noticed a crow showed up at her house often. The woman that lost her son also mentions that she always sees crows as well. We all laugh nervously trying to figure out who the crow was actually for.
Now those are just the "bigger" crow stories. Everyday I see crows swooping down and crossing my path as I drive, or just sitting on a lamp post or crossing the yard. In psychology there is a concept that can explain this phenomenon. The theory is that these elements have always existed in your environment but you don't realize it until you focus on it and then suddenly it appears like its everywhere. You can equate this filter to purchasing a new car. Prior to you owning that car, you never noticed how abundant that car was in your environment. But now that you have one, you seem to see it everywhere. Granted, this powerful perception filter could be in the works here but the above recent episodes are just beyond normal.
Since I am an a child of knowledge at heart, I hate mysteries... especially when it affects me so I have been consumed with trying to figure out what the message is. In each of these incidents I may have been startled but I never felt fear so I don't associate the crows with negativity. I know from Google research that depending on your cultural background, the crow carries a lot of spiritual symbolism ranging from a magical creature that can traverse the physical and spiritual planes, to a messenger of death or warning of ill fate to a powerful omen of truth. I have nagged my friend Laura to see if she can crack my crow code and all she eeks out is a, "You'll know the answer when it's right." Sometimes I wonder if she stashes a jar full of fortune cookie messages and when I ask her the really tough questions she just randomly pulls a message from it. I got antsy and messaged Trevor Gollagher who is Laura's spiritual teacher with my conundrum and he replies with a lame, "Crows often indicate mysticism." Fabulous... I have all these people with all these different abilities and what do I get... Hallmark greeting card answers.
Last year I took a course to strengthen my intuition and although I don't think it actually did that, it did affirm my strong abilities to channel into different frequencies. One of the exercises that Cheryl Lee Harnish did get us to do is to get into a meditative state to meet our "Spirit Guides." During this exercise, we had to ask to meet our guide. Unlike the other students, I immediately received a fleeting image of a black bird and then a shadowy silhouette of the side of a man's face with penetrating glowing eyes followed by a deep pain throbbing in my chest. It felt like something heavy was sitting on my chest and my breathing became laboured. I can feel my body having a panic attack and I had to forced my eyes to open. When I confirmed that I was still sitting in class, and was embraced by sunlight and the image was just something in my head I let out a huge sigh of relief. Everyone else had a warm and fuzzy, loving sensation or images when they met their Spirit Guide and I got a lovely evil half face man and a random bird... who upon reflection might be my crow.
Two weeks ago I was experiencing one of those lucid dreams. In my dream I met my crow friend and he finally spoke to me... and in English! He was giving me some specific directions for some task I needed to complete and I remember feeling so excited and happy that I was able to finally crack my crow code! When I woke up, I remembered the elated feeling but the actual specifics of the conversation was totally forgotten. Talk about a downer.
Chris jokes that the crows will finally commit me to the Looney Bin. My retort is that if I'm going to the Looney Bin then I might as well kill some of the annoying people on route and claim that as my defense. Under some very odd circumstances, I will actually be visiting my girlfriends in Prince Albert Saskatchewan on August 14. I remembered Henry the medicine man mentioning it was odd that he always saw crows following me. Henry has past on now but he did make that comment when I was 17. I have requested to attend a sweat ceremony in hopes of finding something in all this craziness. I may have to smoke some of that peace pipe of theirs. If I'm lucky it might be laced with opium.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
The Real Shit
Chris and I for some reason have been watching a lot of movies or TV shows where the main question is: What if you died earlier than your expected life expectancy? Okay... I'll fess up. We actually watch one too many apocalyptic plot lines where aliens invade, or zombies munch on your brains, or that giant meteorite strikes and all humanity as you know it evaporates into cosmic air. The beauty of all these less-than-positive-agendas is that all of a sudden, the fog that so densely sits in our lives miraculously lifts and our priorities and core of our higher self just shines. Funny how impending doom can clarify your purpose on Experiment Earth but thirteen years in the public education system and five years in the post secondary education system does squat. If anything, your poor human suit comes out of the educational cleaners freshly confused. Well as I acquire each new skill set from the trial and errors of life I have stumbled to the realization that the following popular mantras in life are... well bullshit.
IF YOU WORK HARD, YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
Uggg... I'm really tired of hearing this one. I have been in so many situations where I have seen slackers with the right type of connections achieve more than people that "work hard." This statement is degrading to all the honest people in the world that sacrifice their happiness because of this fallacy. Yes they do achieve something but the pressure of achieving anything is just a giant fall from grace and into the pit of depression. My parents have an unrelenting work ethic and they have persevered through some really tough shit because of this. The average first world country whiner would break down three minutes in if they had to walk the path my parents did. Coming from a third world war torn country, my parents are major kick ass, gritty homies that can can draw blood from a stone and still have enough energy to brag about it. They have done some amazing things but not because they worked hard. They have done some amazing things because they focused on what they had instead of focusing on what they didn't have. To them, they loved the freedom to create their life so they were so appreciative of their blessings. They were so in awe of their life that it never actually felt like hard work. If you work your ass off, feel like you're getting no where and are miserable then I have pivotal news for you. The delusion that you will achieve your happiness will not come. Do yourself a favor, abort "Mission No Where" and adopt another strategy otherwise you will be forever resentful because of this giant lie.
LIFE IS FAIR.
Anyone that has mastered potty training can tell you that life is not fair. Life is a duality. As humans we entered this duality to experience and authenticate our knowledge. To do this we create really eff-ed up situations prior to re-incarnating and we all play pre-determined roles of good versus evil. In the bigger picture this is perfect. In the limited human brain picture this is a whole lotta S&M and messed. Before you slipped on the human suit, you wrote your perfect script and really, the only free will in play is how you perceive the unfolding of events. I would even argue one further and even say perhaps our "perception" is also pre-determined otherwise we would not have the right players in the right roles. So what does that mean? Do you just sit like a rock in the current and let the river of life take you where you are meant to be? No. What this means is that you should spend more time appreciating the present moment. Stop worrying about the future because most likely it won't be what you envisioned. Stop regretting your past because you can't do anything about it. Understand the balance of peace and violence. Know in your heart that light comes from darkness. Realize that unconditional love comes from raging hate. Roll with the flow and when life feels so hard, remember the therapeutic strength of water and just let it flow with least resistance. Don't worry, karma rebalances everything.
FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE WILL COMPLETE YOU.
Have you ever noticed that happy people are happy regardless if they have a partner or not? That's because real, sustaining love is not actually from another person. Real love comes from yourself and for yourself. This is easier to say than do. If you truly love yourself, you would never dishonor yourself by subjecting yourself to poor treatment. Think of yourself like an inner child. Would you let that beautiful, perfect inner child of yours drown in a toxic environment, or eat crap or stay in abusive relationships or think negative thoughts about herself? No! So why do so many people talk so poorly of themselves? Believe it or not, your biggest struggle in life is finding that unconditional love for yourself. See the above paragraph about taking the bad with the good and roll with it.
So the common denominator in all the apocalyptic plot lines that Chris and I watch is that if your life is very short here, ironically you actually would start living. You would screw work... and screw people (pun intended). You would let all the people in your life that meant something to you, know how much they truly meant to you. You would really appreciate the sunrise and the sunset. You would let love triumph over fear and hate because it's just not worth it. You would see that every soul is connected to you and therefore perfectly beautiful. You would see the Light right before the Dark.
IF YOU WORK HARD, YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
Uggg... I'm really tired of hearing this one. I have been in so many situations where I have seen slackers with the right type of connections achieve more than people that "work hard." This statement is degrading to all the honest people in the world that sacrifice their happiness because of this fallacy. Yes they do achieve something but the pressure of achieving anything is just a giant fall from grace and into the pit of depression. My parents have an unrelenting work ethic and they have persevered through some really tough shit because of this. The average first world country whiner would break down three minutes in if they had to walk the path my parents did. Coming from a third world war torn country, my parents are major kick ass, gritty homies that can can draw blood from a stone and still have enough energy to brag about it. They have done some amazing things but not because they worked hard. They have done some amazing things because they focused on what they had instead of focusing on what they didn't have. To them, they loved the freedom to create their life so they were so appreciative of their blessings. They were so in awe of their life that it never actually felt like hard work. If you work your ass off, feel like you're getting no where and are miserable then I have pivotal news for you. The delusion that you will achieve your happiness will not come. Do yourself a favor, abort "Mission No Where" and adopt another strategy otherwise you will be forever resentful because of this giant lie.
LIFE IS FAIR.
Anyone that has mastered potty training can tell you that life is not fair. Life is a duality. As humans we entered this duality to experience and authenticate our knowledge. To do this we create really eff-ed up situations prior to re-incarnating and we all play pre-determined roles of good versus evil. In the bigger picture this is perfect. In the limited human brain picture this is a whole lotta S&M and messed. Before you slipped on the human suit, you wrote your perfect script and really, the only free will in play is how you perceive the unfolding of events. I would even argue one further and even say perhaps our "perception" is also pre-determined otherwise we would not have the right players in the right roles. So what does that mean? Do you just sit like a rock in the current and let the river of life take you where you are meant to be? No. What this means is that you should spend more time appreciating the present moment. Stop worrying about the future because most likely it won't be what you envisioned. Stop regretting your past because you can't do anything about it. Understand the balance of peace and violence. Know in your heart that light comes from darkness. Realize that unconditional love comes from raging hate. Roll with the flow and when life feels so hard, remember the therapeutic strength of water and just let it flow with least resistance. Don't worry, karma rebalances everything.
FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE WILL COMPLETE YOU.
Have you ever noticed that happy people are happy regardless if they have a partner or not? That's because real, sustaining love is not actually from another person. Real love comes from yourself and for yourself. This is easier to say than do. If you truly love yourself, you would never dishonor yourself by subjecting yourself to poor treatment. Think of yourself like an inner child. Would you let that beautiful, perfect inner child of yours drown in a toxic environment, or eat crap or stay in abusive relationships or think negative thoughts about herself? No! So why do so many people talk so poorly of themselves? Believe it or not, your biggest struggle in life is finding that unconditional love for yourself. See the above paragraph about taking the bad with the good and roll with it.
So the common denominator in all the apocalyptic plot lines that Chris and I watch is that if your life is very short here, ironically you actually would start living. You would screw work... and screw people (pun intended). You would let all the people in your life that meant something to you, know how much they truly meant to you. You would really appreciate the sunrise and the sunset. You would let love triumph over fear and hate because it's just not worth it. You would see that every soul is connected to you and therefore perfectly beautiful. You would see the Light right before the Dark.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Extra (Ordinary)
I like my cosmic cheaters. Sometimes life happens and you feel so disconnected that you step outside yourself and wonder why the eff you decided it was a good idea to reincarnate. I mean my upstairs team are sitting perpetually beautiful on fluffy clouds, eating Philly cream cheese and always positively glowing because they know they won't gain a pound. Let's not forget the nice perk of manifestation where they can create things out of thin air just by thinking of it. And I'm stuck here... usually in the presence of morons and trudging through lessons after lessons with my limited human brain and my low metabolism of a human suit. On my "poor me" days I find pleasure in shaking my fist at the air, wildly waving in a grand gesture and screaming, "Okay I am done playing simple-cell human. Come beam me up Scotty." During those maniac states I find it inspirational that my upstairs team intervenes before I re-enact the definition of postal on the dumber parts of humanity.
I was feeling out of orbit with my Universal mojo so I scheduled a reading with my talented psychic Annar. If you don't know already, Annar is what I lovingly call a cosmic cheater. Cosmic cheaters access information that you have contractually agreed to forget when you decided joining the Earth Experiment appeared to be a fun proposal. She is a talented intuitive and I have seen her three times over the last decade. She is so in demand that when you call to book an appointment you have to wait three months until you can actually see her. This time, I decided to sweet talk Chris into coming with me because when it comes to all things weird, he has mainly been sitting on the sidelines of the action. If this is my partner in crime, I figured he might as well jump into the fire.
As soon as I walk through her door she starts interrogating, "Who's pregnant?" I haven't even put down my purse. I confirm her accuracy and let her know that my sister Stephanie is due in October. She looks at me all weird and asks, "Are you sure you're not?" I ignore the scary thought and move into her office where she sits us down. Chris and I fiddle with the iPad to digitally record the reading as I find it helpful to review the abundance of information thrown at us at later time when the mind is more quiet. Annar sits down and appears exasperated, "Wow, you brought a lot of people here with you." I was confused because I only brought Chris. Yes normally it's just me, but honestly bringing one other person is hardly "a lot of people." She points to the air above her, crosses her arms ands says, "No, like... there are a lot of Spirits that want to talk to you." It turns out Spirits just hang out with me.
Annar does her usual thing and starts bombarding us with information. Mid way she stops and says, "Oh Elaine is here." I glance nervously at Chris. Elaine is Chris' grandmother who passed away from cancer about 20 years ago. Chris was very close to her and since I'm married to him, she has "popped" into all my readings with Annar. I guess when the communication lines are open, the upstairs team are eager to share their information with you. Annar yells at Elaine for actually interrupting the reading but she delivers a simple message of "Hello" and that she would like us to put some color in the new Spotted Frog. Our five year anniversary of our company is this year and one of the things we were playing with was re-branding our logo to something unexpected... like using the color purple instead of the green we currently have. Our company is actually named after Grandma Elaine. My mother in law and business partner has always seen frogs as her lucky sign because when her mother (Grandma Elaine) was alive she collected frogs. How beautiful was it that Grandma Elaine approved of our color re-branding. Annar laughs and tells Chris that Grandma Elaine is hilarious which Chris already knew. When she was alive, she had a lot of fire in her belly. I can feel that Chris is getting a little choked up with his favorite Grandma's visit.
Annar then tells us another Spirit is here. She asks if I know of an Audrey and did she die of ovarian cancer. My eyes dilate, my heart beats faster and I eek out a soft "yes". Annar is struggling to deliver the message. She then tells me that Audrey is giving me a logo and it's white wings. I look at Annar in total confusion. "What do you mean she's giving me a logo?" When Audrey was alive she gave loads of things, including many unsolicited hilarious opinions but logo trading was not an activity we partook in. Annar tries to explain herself more clearly, "She's giving you a sign... ummm... it's white... wings?" My heart, which has already skipped multiple beats at hearing Audrey's name officially jumped out of my chest cavity. The night before Audrey passed away I had dreamt that I helped her put on her Angel wings. If you missed my blog post on it, here it is again for reference: http://thebookofhuong.blogspot.ca/2012/07/rip-audrey.html. I am visibly shaken and electricity just starts shooting up through my spine. Annar clarifies the sign and says, "Audrey wants you to know that when you see a white butterfly" it means it's her.
The rest of the hour flies by. Annar confirms that Kaiya sees things the human eyes don't pick up. She predicts that Kaiya will be a challenge to parent but it will be worth the grey hairs and AA meetings because she'll become a doctor. Tai will be a very popular young man and won't have any problems with the ladies. She sees that my brother in law Jeff will reach his prime as he enters the golden age of his thirties and we'll watch him on TV in the Olympics because of his mad athletic abilities. She rambles on that Lairay has found his match. She mentions that my sister will have a baby girl named Maya. The reading is filled with messages for my friends.
At the end of it all I ask her what my grand purpose of my life is. She tells me it's to live a life of love. That simple phrase resonated so deeply that it occurred to me that I already knew that... I just needed my upstairs team to remind me.
I was feeling out of orbit with my Universal mojo so I scheduled a reading with my talented psychic Annar. If you don't know already, Annar is what I lovingly call a cosmic cheater. Cosmic cheaters access information that you have contractually agreed to forget when you decided joining the Earth Experiment appeared to be a fun proposal. She is a talented intuitive and I have seen her three times over the last decade. She is so in demand that when you call to book an appointment you have to wait three months until you can actually see her. This time, I decided to sweet talk Chris into coming with me because when it comes to all things weird, he has mainly been sitting on the sidelines of the action. If this is my partner in crime, I figured he might as well jump into the fire.
As soon as I walk through her door she starts interrogating, "Who's pregnant?" I haven't even put down my purse. I confirm her accuracy and let her know that my sister Stephanie is due in October. She looks at me all weird and asks, "Are you sure you're not?" I ignore the scary thought and move into her office where she sits us down. Chris and I fiddle with the iPad to digitally record the reading as I find it helpful to review the abundance of information thrown at us at later time when the mind is more quiet. Annar sits down and appears exasperated, "Wow, you brought a lot of people here with you." I was confused because I only brought Chris. Yes normally it's just me, but honestly bringing one other person is hardly "a lot of people." She points to the air above her, crosses her arms ands says, "No, like... there are a lot of Spirits that want to talk to you." It turns out Spirits just hang out with me.
Annar does her usual thing and starts bombarding us with information. Mid way she stops and says, "Oh Elaine is here." I glance nervously at Chris. Elaine is Chris' grandmother who passed away from cancer about 20 years ago. Chris was very close to her and since I'm married to him, she has "popped" into all my readings with Annar. I guess when the communication lines are open, the upstairs team are eager to share their information with you. Annar yells at Elaine for actually interrupting the reading but she delivers a simple message of "Hello" and that she would like us to put some color in the new Spotted Frog. Our five year anniversary of our company is this year and one of the things we were playing with was re-branding our logo to something unexpected... like using the color purple instead of the green we currently have. Our company is actually named after Grandma Elaine. My mother in law and business partner has always seen frogs as her lucky sign because when her mother (Grandma Elaine) was alive she collected frogs. How beautiful was it that Grandma Elaine approved of our color re-branding. Annar laughs and tells Chris that Grandma Elaine is hilarious which Chris already knew. When she was alive, she had a lot of fire in her belly. I can feel that Chris is getting a little choked up with his favorite Grandma's visit.
Annar then tells us another Spirit is here. She asks if I know of an Audrey and did she die of ovarian cancer. My eyes dilate, my heart beats faster and I eek out a soft "yes". Annar is struggling to deliver the message. She then tells me that Audrey is giving me a logo and it's white wings. I look at Annar in total confusion. "What do you mean she's giving me a logo?" When Audrey was alive she gave loads of things, including many unsolicited hilarious opinions but logo trading was not an activity we partook in. Annar tries to explain herself more clearly, "She's giving you a sign... ummm... it's white... wings?" My heart, which has already skipped multiple beats at hearing Audrey's name officially jumped out of my chest cavity. The night before Audrey passed away I had dreamt that I helped her put on her Angel wings. If you missed my blog post on it, here it is again for reference: http://thebookofhuong.blogspot.ca/2012/07/rip-audrey.html. I am visibly shaken and electricity just starts shooting up through my spine. Annar clarifies the sign and says, "Audrey wants you to know that when you see a white butterfly" it means it's her.
The rest of the hour flies by. Annar confirms that Kaiya sees things the human eyes don't pick up. She predicts that Kaiya will be a challenge to parent but it will be worth the grey hairs and AA meetings because she'll become a doctor. Tai will be a very popular young man and won't have any problems with the ladies. She sees that my brother in law Jeff will reach his prime as he enters the golden age of his thirties and we'll watch him on TV in the Olympics because of his mad athletic abilities. She rambles on that Lairay has found his match. She mentions that my sister will have a baby girl named Maya. The reading is filled with messages for my friends.
At the end of it all I ask her what my grand purpose of my life is. She tells me it's to live a life of love. That simple phrase resonated so deeply that it occurred to me that I already knew that... I just needed my upstairs team to remind me.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Musings From A Medicated And Reluctant Patient
A funny thing happens when you're quarantined. You are stuck alone with your thoughts which can be a retreat or a personal hell depending how your brain behaves and what combination of drugs you are taking. After three weeks of trying to fight off a cold/flu I finally surrendered and reluctantly waved the white flag. I would have kept pushing through but then the virus continued to conquer, settled into my sinus cavities and has decided it would be a neato trick to ooze green, painful discharge from my right eye. You know it's bad when your unsuspected doctor, who even after years of being professionally groomed to not be offended by body parts, takes a stumble back obviously horrified by the scene and screams, "Oh dear Gawd! You eye is nasty!" He delivers a stern lecture about the importance of seeing him earlier, prescribes oral antibiotics for the lung infection, antibiotic eye drops for the facial disfigurement, instructs to bleach all my towels and linens, burn my contact lenses and just wear glasses for a week. He also emphasizes that I need to wash my hands often and to stay quarantined from people until the discharge stops. Oh great, Chris who has a bunch of toddlers is going to love hearing that he needs to house an infectious petrie dish.
My friend Laura reminds me that this is the Universe's gentle nudge that I need to slow down. Normally I would agree but with so many projects on the go, strategizing the company's next move as our lease ends this October, taking on a new line and category to launch for next month, crisis managing a vendor account going sideways and with my team on the mend from sickness and dealing with death this Captain just doesn't have time for bullshit health issues. I suppose the stress from the hell client was the final nail in the coffin thus putting my immune system on shutdown and me out of commission.
And so I am stuck... in my room... with just my Blackberry and iPad as my only form of entertainment. Oh wait... and my own thoughts (insert evil dark foreboding music). I was pondering what would have happened like 10 years ago when the Internet was just in its infancy and the power of information wasn't at your fingers tips? What did I do without waking up to a hilarious George Takei meme before? Is society actually better with it or ironically did it create more isolation as people spend less time with real people? I mean ignorance is bliss. Prior to the Internet if you had a bubble you were pretty much happy within it but now since everyone is more connected, like it or not your bubble will be permeated with global issues that can affect you. It's hard not to get depressed about corporations that are greedy and will gamble yours and Mother Earth's health in the name of profits. Or reading that yet another idiot got elected to power and people are still being persecuted for their race, gender, religion and sexual orientation. This is probably why photos dedicated to cute fuzzy kittens and puppies are well liked on Facebook.
It is said that our children are growing up into a new state of global consciousness because everything they do will leave a global footprint forever on the digital world which means your audience for judging you just got a wee bigger. This fast pace world will inevitably shape the perception of the children absorbing the information so as parents one has to wonder how much more differently you have to parent in order for them to succeed in this new world order. Tai is a bright kid. Without us spending much time schooling him, he has learned how to type in words into You Tube to watch videos so he can master certain levels of Zombies versus Aliens on the iPad. I was a bright kid too but when I was in kindergarten, I was more concerned with mastering the art of wiping my bum after doing a Number 2. Kaiya picks up language too easily. She'll turn three in July but has moments when she spews forth verbal diarrhea like a professional emo teenager. Chris was using the bathroom the other day and she decided to march in unannounced. Obviously offended by the lack of privacy, Chris yells at her to get out. Kaiya sulks back into my room and with two hands on her hips declares, "Gawd... Dad can't even take a joke!" and right on cue dramatically rolls her eyes. This kid is still wearing pull-ups.
I have two part time staff who I have hand selected for their above average intelligence, beautiful energy and immunity to my sarcastic and often unorthodox form of mentoring. Rachael is in her early twenties, with tons of sass and spunk (how I like my women) and ready to take on the new world of carving out her career in interior design. Despite her age she worries about everything. On top of all the regular things one worries about at that age, she piles on the stresses that usually dominate your mid to later years... like her retirement funds. Sheesh I don't even stress out about my non existent retirement funds and I have a good decade on her. Jenn is in her late twenties approaching that thirty mark and the stress she experiences immobilizes her from experiencing life. She is a total sweetheart and has this bad habit of projecting her positive outlook onto other people's lives but never onto herself. I wonder if the bombardment of social media and information overload causes one to not perceive opportunities but rather missed benchmarks which then transforms to anxiety and fear?
There is a remote tribe in Africa that celebrates everyday like its their last day because they live in the moment. If they have a few shillings they will spend it all that day just in case they can't enjoy it tomorrow. I'm not suggesting everyone forgo their future planning of planting seeds but what I am emphasizing is people need to turn that part of their destructive brain off and enjoy your blessings that you have today. For the children of today, the parents need to remind them to slow down and appreciate what is actually IN this world. Some days I fantasize of uprooting my family and moving to a small town or remote exotic locale in the world so my children can appreciate the beauty in Nature, family, and learn to love themselves instead of being hyper critical of what they don't have. I know I can't remove the Internet but I know I need to parent drastically differently so my kids grow up living life instead of scared of it.
The dual role of the Internet like everything in our life has two sides. One side can open your eyes to everything you ever wanted. It can be the inspiration to do more, learn more, and create more regardless of your economic situation. Somewhere in the Cyber world, no matter how lonely you are you will find a connection. The other side is like cocaine. If you don't keep your habit in check, it has the ability to delude you and pervasively create a world where the hell is actually on this world. Instead of connecting you create an island of isolation. My brother in law Steve is like Chris in that they are hardcore game addicts and spend a lot of time in their fantasy worlds. He joked, " Man the amount of time I dedicate to gaming I could have been an effin' brain surgeon by now!" We all laugh at the comment, but seriously, Steve is a brilliant man and he actually could and still can be a brain surgeon.
My friend Laura reminds me that this is the Universe's gentle nudge that I need to slow down. Normally I would agree but with so many projects on the go, strategizing the company's next move as our lease ends this October, taking on a new line and category to launch for next month, crisis managing a vendor account going sideways and with my team on the mend from sickness and dealing with death this Captain just doesn't have time for bullshit health issues. I suppose the stress from the hell client was the final nail in the coffin thus putting my immune system on shutdown and me out of commission.
And so I am stuck... in my room... with just my Blackberry and iPad as my only form of entertainment. Oh wait... and my own thoughts (insert evil dark foreboding music). I was pondering what would have happened like 10 years ago when the Internet was just in its infancy and the power of information wasn't at your fingers tips? What did I do without waking up to a hilarious George Takei meme before? Is society actually better with it or ironically did it create more isolation as people spend less time with real people? I mean ignorance is bliss. Prior to the Internet if you had a bubble you were pretty much happy within it but now since everyone is more connected, like it or not your bubble will be permeated with global issues that can affect you. It's hard not to get depressed about corporations that are greedy and will gamble yours and Mother Earth's health in the name of profits. Or reading that yet another idiot got elected to power and people are still being persecuted for their race, gender, religion and sexual orientation. This is probably why photos dedicated to cute fuzzy kittens and puppies are well liked on Facebook.
It is said that our children are growing up into a new state of global consciousness because everything they do will leave a global footprint forever on the digital world which means your audience for judging you just got a wee bigger. This fast pace world will inevitably shape the perception of the children absorbing the information so as parents one has to wonder how much more differently you have to parent in order for them to succeed in this new world order. Tai is a bright kid. Without us spending much time schooling him, he has learned how to type in words into You Tube to watch videos so he can master certain levels of Zombies versus Aliens on the iPad. I was a bright kid too but when I was in kindergarten, I was more concerned with mastering the art of wiping my bum after doing a Number 2. Kaiya picks up language too easily. She'll turn three in July but has moments when she spews forth verbal diarrhea like a professional emo teenager. Chris was using the bathroom the other day and she decided to march in unannounced. Obviously offended by the lack of privacy, Chris yells at her to get out. Kaiya sulks back into my room and with two hands on her hips declares, "Gawd... Dad can't even take a joke!" and right on cue dramatically rolls her eyes. This kid is still wearing pull-ups.
I have two part time staff who I have hand selected for their above average intelligence, beautiful energy and immunity to my sarcastic and often unorthodox form of mentoring. Rachael is in her early twenties, with tons of sass and spunk (how I like my women) and ready to take on the new world of carving out her career in interior design. Despite her age she worries about everything. On top of all the regular things one worries about at that age, she piles on the stresses that usually dominate your mid to later years... like her retirement funds. Sheesh I don't even stress out about my non existent retirement funds and I have a good decade on her. Jenn is in her late twenties approaching that thirty mark and the stress she experiences immobilizes her from experiencing life. She is a total sweetheart and has this bad habit of projecting her positive outlook onto other people's lives but never onto herself. I wonder if the bombardment of social media and information overload causes one to not perceive opportunities but rather missed benchmarks which then transforms to anxiety and fear?
There is a remote tribe in Africa that celebrates everyday like its their last day because they live in the moment. If they have a few shillings they will spend it all that day just in case they can't enjoy it tomorrow. I'm not suggesting everyone forgo their future planning of planting seeds but what I am emphasizing is people need to turn that part of their destructive brain off and enjoy your blessings that you have today. For the children of today, the parents need to remind them to slow down and appreciate what is actually IN this world. Some days I fantasize of uprooting my family and moving to a small town or remote exotic locale in the world so my children can appreciate the beauty in Nature, family, and learn to love themselves instead of being hyper critical of what they don't have. I know I can't remove the Internet but I know I need to parent drastically differently so my kids grow up living life instead of scared of it.
The dual role of the Internet like everything in our life has two sides. One side can open your eyes to everything you ever wanted. It can be the inspiration to do more, learn more, and create more regardless of your economic situation. Somewhere in the Cyber world, no matter how lonely you are you will find a connection. The other side is like cocaine. If you don't keep your habit in check, it has the ability to delude you and pervasively create a world where the hell is actually on this world. Instead of connecting you create an island of isolation. My brother in law Steve is like Chris in that they are hardcore game addicts and spend a lot of time in their fantasy worlds. He joked, " Man the amount of time I dedicate to gaming I could have been an effin' brain surgeon by now!" We all laugh at the comment, but seriously, Steve is a brilliant man and he actually could and still can be a brain surgeon.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Taking Out The Trash
I'm having a character building couple of weeks. Our family got hit with that damn cold/flu/SARS thing that was circulating and right on cue the kids incubate the new virus and infected the adults into a super-size form. It hit Kaiya first so the already predispositioned, high energy Tazmanian Devil went into overdrive and our home was instantly changed into a war zone where we lost every parenting battle with the two foot evil warlord. We were at our wits end with a toddler that was impossible to please and she rewarded any displeasure by puking on us. The virus then grabbed a hold of Tai which meant it brought out the mega wuss. This kid is so emotionally sensitive he would cry over everything. Gawd forbid if his dad ever forgot to kiss him goodnight. So between the screaming demon banshee and the emo crying man child I was ready to slit my wrists. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have time to take my own life because I got sick as well. I do believe I have not slept for a week due to the lovely fact that every time I go horizontal it amplifies the coughing situation. Let's just say my coping skills close to going postal.
Being an entrepreneur is not a task for the faint hearted. If you don't believe in yourself, aren't hardwired for overly generous bouts of positive thinking, love a sense of adventure, and seek every challenge as an opportunity to learn more about yourself then do yourself a favor and get a job with a punch clock. On most days I am on cloud nine. I am passionate about what I do and pinch myself everyday that I am living my dream. On the odd days, I question my sanity and walk a lonely road of second guessing why I wanted to walk the lonely road.
I have been a rare statistic in my industry by the fact that I still have my doors open for operations. The economy took down a lot of independent retailers who's pocket books and blood pressure levels couldn't take the risk anymore. Through an immense learning curve that organically happened, my company went from just a retailer to one that also offers full interior design services. I have amazing clients that have grown my business by referrals and years of repeat business because of it. As a seasoned professional, I have been exposed to many different situations that have created the Teflon skin I don every morning. In retail there is a myth that exists that says the customer is always right. This week, I put 19 years of retail experience on the line and confidently fired a hell client just to throw into the Universe that no, the customer is not always right. Sometimes they are just crazy.
She entered the store like most of our potential clients. The showroom captured her imagination and her heart was won by the meticulous care I pour into the visual merchandising. She inquired about out services and we present our usual shtick. I have a rule that I only take on clients that are big budget and let my juniors take on the rest. My other rule is that yes, if you want my level of experience then my time with be valued higher. If you play by my rules then I will take you on. She wanted some direction, enjoyed our friendly banter and wanted to sign me on. Through the conversation I can already tell she wasn't big budget so I politely let her know my portfolio is full but my junior interior is available to assist her. She whines that it's not the same and she insists that she wants to book me. I confidently let her know that Rachael has been brainwashed to think like me, act like and breathe like me so she will be receiving a mini me. In addition I oversee every project to ensure it meets my standards and act as a safeguard against any red flags. She insists that I work with her so I tell her my rate which she scoffs is out of her budget. I let her know perhaps the junior rate would be a better fit and there is some comment that she can't really afford that as well. I should have known right there to stop the conversation and run the other direction.
My love for making money ignored the gut reaction and we successfully book her with the talented Rachael. To make a long story short, our client turns out to be one of those, "I don't know what I want so I want you to play mastermind psychologist, enter the no fly zone and pull out the bullshit pent up in my head and put it together beautifully in 3D form." Combine this pyschosis with a, "I'm cheap and will nickel and dime you for everything" with a dash of, "I have no style but I don't really want your professional advice, I just want you be compliant and agree with my nasty vision." At one point in the conversation I actually told her point blank, "I don't do ugly design. You are forcing me to offer an opinion on the lesser of two uglies which I refuse to do." After three weeks of this stress that no one on my team wanted anymore, I finally called it quits and sent off an email that was written with incredible restraint: Out of respect for your time, I am recommending that we withdraw participation from your project. Despite our best efforts it is clear that you are unhappy and frustrated with everything that we have done. I immediately get the scathing phone call where she takes no responsibility for the dysfunctional relationship and places all the blame on my poor Rachael who's self esteem is already obliterated by our hell client. But for some random reason she still wants us to continue working with her. Here I am giving her the opportunity to refund EVERYTHING and cleanly part ways before my voodoo doll making skills come into practice and she still wants to hang out. WTF?
I checked to see if hell froze over or if pigs were flying and then scan my store to see if a hidden camera is some where. Out of interest for my company's reputation I reluctantly attempt to salvage the relationship and project and put restraints on the mad woman. Essentially she is to direct all queries towards me and leave Rachael the eff alone. Don't mess with Mama Bear's babies, biatch because I will tear you down. Two weeks later, an email inbox of crazy photos and consistent indecisiveness, it was clear it was time to take out the trash. Today I sent out yet another email in response her to idiotic request that I offer free advice on whether the products our competitor sells will work. In addition, she had the audacity to ask for a refund of two hours on our consultation fees when realistically I should have sent her a bill of 30 hours for all the work we did holding her hand, stroking her ego and re-assuring her that everything will be fine. It took EVERY cell in my body to take the high road and write the final email to end the relationship. The email was polite, three sentences long and did not include slander against her emotional instability and or death threats. This itself is a huge win for me considering I have no coping skills from all the sickness plaguing the family let alone the ability to white glove handle a hell client.
I always have used the analogy in life that if your home is full of shit because you didn't have the courage to take your trash to the curb nothing loving and positive can enter the home because there is no room! Hoarders are buried alive for a reason and you have no one to blame but yourself. I have learned that weekly upkeep in your home will prevent you from painfully hauling out that rotting dead corpse that you were pretending wasn't a big issue until you realize that even your neighbors can smell the stench. If something is not working in your life it's most likely because you did not honor yourself. You devalued your worth and yes, another person will take advantage of it. The most lovingly thing you can do in that moment is recognize that you need to let it go and release that pain, hurt, frustration, anxiety, depression and stress to make room for the positive energy that flows abundantly in this universe.
Today I wrote a refund cheque made payable to "Client From Hell" and a huge weight was immediately lifted from my shoulders. I am also comforted by the fact that she needed to buy a new cell phone because she dropped it in the ugly paint she chose against my recommendations.
Being an entrepreneur is not a task for the faint hearted. If you don't believe in yourself, aren't hardwired for overly generous bouts of positive thinking, love a sense of adventure, and seek every challenge as an opportunity to learn more about yourself then do yourself a favor and get a job with a punch clock. On most days I am on cloud nine. I am passionate about what I do and pinch myself everyday that I am living my dream. On the odd days, I question my sanity and walk a lonely road of second guessing why I wanted to walk the lonely road.
I have been a rare statistic in my industry by the fact that I still have my doors open for operations. The economy took down a lot of independent retailers who's pocket books and blood pressure levels couldn't take the risk anymore. Through an immense learning curve that organically happened, my company went from just a retailer to one that also offers full interior design services. I have amazing clients that have grown my business by referrals and years of repeat business because of it. As a seasoned professional, I have been exposed to many different situations that have created the Teflon skin I don every morning. In retail there is a myth that exists that says the customer is always right. This week, I put 19 years of retail experience on the line and confidently fired a hell client just to throw into the Universe that no, the customer is not always right. Sometimes they are just crazy.
She entered the store like most of our potential clients. The showroom captured her imagination and her heart was won by the meticulous care I pour into the visual merchandising. She inquired about out services and we present our usual shtick. I have a rule that I only take on clients that are big budget and let my juniors take on the rest. My other rule is that yes, if you want my level of experience then my time with be valued higher. If you play by my rules then I will take you on. She wanted some direction, enjoyed our friendly banter and wanted to sign me on. Through the conversation I can already tell she wasn't big budget so I politely let her know my portfolio is full but my junior interior is available to assist her. She whines that it's not the same and she insists that she wants to book me. I confidently let her know that Rachael has been brainwashed to think like me, act like and breathe like me so she will be receiving a mini me. In addition I oversee every project to ensure it meets my standards and act as a safeguard against any red flags. She insists that I work with her so I tell her my rate which she scoffs is out of her budget. I let her know perhaps the junior rate would be a better fit and there is some comment that she can't really afford that as well. I should have known right there to stop the conversation and run the other direction.
My love for making money ignored the gut reaction and we successfully book her with the talented Rachael. To make a long story short, our client turns out to be one of those, "I don't know what I want so I want you to play mastermind psychologist, enter the no fly zone and pull out the bullshit pent up in my head and put it together beautifully in 3D form." Combine this pyschosis with a, "I'm cheap and will nickel and dime you for everything" with a dash of, "I have no style but I don't really want your professional advice, I just want you be compliant and agree with my nasty vision." At one point in the conversation I actually told her point blank, "I don't do ugly design. You are forcing me to offer an opinion on the lesser of two uglies which I refuse to do." After three weeks of this stress that no one on my team wanted anymore, I finally called it quits and sent off an email that was written with incredible restraint: Out of respect for your time, I am recommending that we withdraw participation from your project. Despite our best efforts it is clear that you are unhappy and frustrated with everything that we have done. I immediately get the scathing phone call where she takes no responsibility for the dysfunctional relationship and places all the blame on my poor Rachael who's self esteem is already obliterated by our hell client. But for some random reason she still wants us to continue working with her. Here I am giving her the opportunity to refund EVERYTHING and cleanly part ways before my voodoo doll making skills come into practice and she still wants to hang out. WTF?
I checked to see if hell froze over or if pigs were flying and then scan my store to see if a hidden camera is some where. Out of interest for my company's reputation I reluctantly attempt to salvage the relationship and project and put restraints on the mad woman. Essentially she is to direct all queries towards me and leave Rachael the eff alone. Don't mess with Mama Bear's babies, biatch because I will tear you down. Two weeks later, an email inbox of crazy photos and consistent indecisiveness, it was clear it was time to take out the trash. Today I sent out yet another email in response her to idiotic request that I offer free advice on whether the products our competitor sells will work. In addition, she had the audacity to ask for a refund of two hours on our consultation fees when realistically I should have sent her a bill of 30 hours for all the work we did holding her hand, stroking her ego and re-assuring her that everything will be fine. It took EVERY cell in my body to take the high road and write the final email to end the relationship. The email was polite, three sentences long and did not include slander against her emotional instability and or death threats. This itself is a huge win for me considering I have no coping skills from all the sickness plaguing the family let alone the ability to white glove handle a hell client.
I always have used the analogy in life that if your home is full of shit because you didn't have the courage to take your trash to the curb nothing loving and positive can enter the home because there is no room! Hoarders are buried alive for a reason and you have no one to blame but yourself. I have learned that weekly upkeep in your home will prevent you from painfully hauling out that rotting dead corpse that you were pretending wasn't a big issue until you realize that even your neighbors can smell the stench. If something is not working in your life it's most likely because you did not honor yourself. You devalued your worth and yes, another person will take advantage of it. The most lovingly thing you can do in that moment is recognize that you need to let it go and release that pain, hurt, frustration, anxiety, depression and stress to make room for the positive energy that flows abundantly in this universe.
Today I wrote a refund cheque made payable to "Client From Hell" and a huge weight was immediately lifted from my shoulders. I am also comforted by the fact that she needed to buy a new cell phone because she dropped it in the ugly paint she chose against my recommendations.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Parenting Fails - Part II
To boost my GPA back in my University days, I took Linguistics which is the scientific study of language. I'm positive the Latin root of the word "parenting" derives from the same etymology as "science experiment". As a strong type A personality and convicted control freak, being a parent is equivalent to taking all my perfectly organized files of life (color coded, alphabetized and in chronological sequence with sub-folders), dumping them onto the ground into one hot mess, and then for added flare light it on fire while doing a happy dance around it wearing nothing but a loin cloth and a head dress. I am an information collector. This has been my go to skill to navigating the fifty shades of grey in life. I read, and read, and then read some more, and when I think I got everything, read material in another language. My self-directed studies in Parenting 101 has me at a Doctorate level with all the information that I acquired. Now here's the kicker... very little of that information applies to my situation or my family! In fact, it's so useless that I would say my studies in Statistics made more sense to me (which by the way I passionately failed twice and only barely passed on my third time by cheating). The other go to life skill I use is "break all the rules" once I have mastered them. Well obviously I haven't mastered parenting because my children haven't saved the world (yet), so by default due to lack of content, I have broken essentially all the rules. So, I have re-written the code of conduct on the sacred art of Parenting. Part of the sacred art of Parenting is never admitting you're bad at it. Well, I'm coming out of the closet because I want Steph to know that she has very low standards to meet which means our screwed up families should blend beautifully together when her wee ones are walking this Earth. I find that the root of heartache is having expectations so if I just blow these out of the water for her, she will continue to be her happy go lucky self, even as a mom. Here is a continuation of my Parenting fails:
12. You might as well name the second child as the "Forgotten One." Unlike Tai, Kaiya doesn't actually photographically exist. If you walked into my home, you will see beautiful pictures of Tai, adoringly captured and beautifully framed at every milestone in his life. Try finding a picture of Kaiya and you'll be looking until the cows come home. In fact, Penny our shih tzu has a photo on our bookshelf and even my best friend's kids, Jaiden and Vanessa has a space on our fridge amongst all the school newsletters and kid art. Sad, I know. It's not like I haven't taken any photos of her, I have... mind you only at about at 25% of the volume of Tai's. It's just that we haven't had time to print and frame one. The second child is like the Bermuda Triangle. You have less time, you are more confident in your ability of not killing your babies (perhaps this is a false confidence albeit it still there) so somewhere in that equation weird things happen to the second child. They tend to be crazier because you are more relaxed about things like letting them eat dirt or during your pregnancy you drank coffee and ate sushi. You learn that you don't always have to change that wet diaper right away because the advertising print on the Huggies packaging says it can stay dry up to 10 hours. I mean, the marketers always tell the truth right? You dress the second child in hand me downs and it doesn't bother you that the pants are cameo and the top is actually a dress meant for an Easter formal dinner. As long she is not indecently exposing her parts, she'll be fine. It builds character and puts hair on your chest.
13. Kaiya-The-Forgotten-One is consistently an exceptionally dirty kid. It's a good thing my own mother is not reading this because this one will bring great shame to the Asian family... like the whole nine yards of shame. Like the little red dragon explains on Disney's Mulan, "dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow"... EVERYTHING! You can have a million screwed up variables but the Asian child shall never look like a dirty white kid. When you meet Kaiya, on her good days you can tell what she ate because it's still on her clothes. She will have a boogery, crusty mustache, her hair is all wildly tangled and her hands has permanent marker on it mixed with some dirt. On her bad days, everything remains the same except she has no clothes on. This chick is a dirt magnet. Dress her like a princess and in three seconds flat she'll manage to look like an orphan. I just gave up on chasing her with Lysol wipes. With the time saved, I do mounds and mounds of laundry.
14. Our freezer is packed with frozen mini pepperoni pizzas, fries, chicken nuggets and popsicles. Dinner time is always a battle. Trying to shove nutrients down Tai's throat is like watching a monk meditate. It's heart wrenchingly painful. One night, out of sheer insanity I made him sit there until he was finished his plate. We started at 6:00P and at 10:00P I threw in the towel and sent him to bed hungry. Chris does all the cooking in our family and on most days he has to make two separate meals, one for us and one for the kids just to make sure they eat. If he doesn't, we pay the price with a night of crying, whining and Tai using his ninja skills to offload whatever he doesn't like eating either to the dog, or into garbage or the toilet when we're not looking. If Chris is not home and I'm responsible for cooking, I consider instant noodles a healthy food group because like it or not, that MSG has kept us Asians looking suspiciously younger than most of our global counterparts.
15. Birthdays are a non-event. I hate entertaining groups of people. My mother in law is fabulous at it. I suspect she has a team of magical gnomes stashed away some where because at all her family parties her house is immaculate, her food is Top Chef grade and prepared by her, the fine china is well presented, the wine is always flowing, she looks beautiful, the conversations keep mingling and everyone is having a grand old time. I just can't pull off that shit. My level of expertise is grilling hot dogs on the BBQ, you help yourself to the bin of booze or stay thirsty, there may or may not be enough toilet paper in the bathroom, instead of an ice sculpture there is a large garbage can placed strategically for all to see so you can dispose your own paper plates and if you can't find a friend amongst the crowd to strike up a conversation then go hang out all awkwardly by yourself in the corner. I'll be frantically grabbing all the half empty cans of pop and booze before Kaiya gets a hold of it. Now I understand why my parents never celebrated our birthdays as it's a load of time, boat loads of money and more stressful than preparing taxes. Yes one day this Mama will pull the immigrant card handed down from my parents and say... Nammer people don't celebrate birthdays because white people are weird.
16. I love hand-me downs. It's like my version of couponing. The funny thing is that when Tai was born, it never occurred to me that with the onset of every season, I need to buy him a brand new wardrobe because he outgrew everything so quickly. I made the rookie mistake of spending a lot of money on his clothes in the first year and then realized that the brand names are for my own ego. Now, my girlfriend Khanh gives me her kid's hand me downs and with my mother in law's shopping addiction, I don't spend that much on their wardrobe. The money I saved, I spend on things like a second iPad so they don't fight.
17. On long car rides, Kaiya may or may not be safely in her car seat. It's either that or I throw myself out the door because throwing her out the door might land me in jail.
18. Sometimes a well placed, strategically smack on the robust buttocks of Miss Kaiya-The-Forgotten/Stubborn-One will save years of her being enrolled in rehab. Yes, when she gets really out of hand and is stubborn enough to endanger her life, I will smack her and I won't care who's looking. Bring your judge on, but of all my parenting faults one thing I have a strong conviction on is that my children will not be a burden to society when they are older. Even if I have to beat them down, they will always respect others and respect themselves.
19. If potty training doesn't come naturally, I won't push the issue. I have yet to see an adult walk around in diapers (unless for medical issues) so I figured everything that parents freak out about like walking, talking, eating, peeing in the toilet and growing teeth and hair will come when it comes. Some parents wear their mad potty training skills like a war scar. I would rather spend the time blogging about my mad parenting skills.
20. I don't attend pilates or yoga or meet up with other mommy groups and spend hours infatuated with being a "Yummy Mummy". I negatively connotate this term like an expired "hipster". The "Yummy Mummy" and "Martha Stewarts" of the world spend hours on Pinterest to create that perfect costume, or stay up until 3AM baking those on trend cake pops for fundraising or volunteer 28 hours in a day to eradicate the world of harmful BPAs in plastics. I don't effortlessly waltz to school every morning with hair and make-up fully on, in heeled boots, pushing the adorable baby that is wearing a mini version of your fabulous outfit in a Bugaboo stroller with a Starbucks in hand, your latest iPhone in the other and having your school kid dressed like he's attending a private academy marching all disciplined beside your Filipino nanny. I prefer sleeping in until the last possible second, rolling to school wearing whatever was on the floor the night before and Tai may or may not be wearing jeans with holes in the knees. I usually yell at him for being so slow, he usually tells me things like how Daddy taught him how to kill zombies and we both have bags under our eyes because Kaiya kept us both up all night with her usual charming self.
Steph, I know you will be in your element because unlike me, you aren't into yourself. Your personality is preset to Parenting perfection because you find moments like playing board games fun (I get ansty because I am literally "bored"). You enjoy slowing down to point out the the little caterpillar that has blended in with the leaf and you go with the flow. Like everything that is hard in life, I know that my kids will be my proudest achievements because they continually challenge every aspect of my life. In the meantime, I'll be hiding in the bathroom reading the new bestselling book on "The Spirited Child" while Kaiya runs around all frantic and screaming, playing with razor blades and practicing her Van Gogh skills with a permanent marker on Daddy's 54" new TV.
12. You might as well name the second child as the "Forgotten One." Unlike Tai, Kaiya doesn't actually photographically exist. If you walked into my home, you will see beautiful pictures of Tai, adoringly captured and beautifully framed at every milestone in his life. Try finding a picture of Kaiya and you'll be looking until the cows come home. In fact, Penny our shih tzu has a photo on our bookshelf and even my best friend's kids, Jaiden and Vanessa has a space on our fridge amongst all the school newsletters and kid art. Sad, I know. It's not like I haven't taken any photos of her, I have... mind you only at about at 25% of the volume of Tai's. It's just that we haven't had time to print and frame one. The second child is like the Bermuda Triangle. You have less time, you are more confident in your ability of not killing your babies (perhaps this is a false confidence albeit it still there) so somewhere in that equation weird things happen to the second child. They tend to be crazier because you are more relaxed about things like letting them eat dirt or during your pregnancy you drank coffee and ate sushi. You learn that you don't always have to change that wet diaper right away because the advertising print on the Huggies packaging says it can stay dry up to 10 hours. I mean, the marketers always tell the truth right? You dress the second child in hand me downs and it doesn't bother you that the pants are cameo and the top is actually a dress meant for an Easter formal dinner. As long she is not indecently exposing her parts, she'll be fine. It builds character and puts hair on your chest.
13. Kaiya-The-Forgotten-One is consistently an exceptionally dirty kid. It's a good thing my own mother is not reading this because this one will bring great shame to the Asian family... like the whole nine yards of shame. Like the little red dragon explains on Disney's Mulan, "dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow"... EVERYTHING! You can have a million screwed up variables but the Asian child shall never look like a dirty white kid. When you meet Kaiya, on her good days you can tell what she ate because it's still on her clothes. She will have a boogery, crusty mustache, her hair is all wildly tangled and her hands has permanent marker on it mixed with some dirt. On her bad days, everything remains the same except she has no clothes on. This chick is a dirt magnet. Dress her like a princess and in three seconds flat she'll manage to look like an orphan. I just gave up on chasing her with Lysol wipes. With the time saved, I do mounds and mounds of laundry.
14. Our freezer is packed with frozen mini pepperoni pizzas, fries, chicken nuggets and popsicles. Dinner time is always a battle. Trying to shove nutrients down Tai's throat is like watching a monk meditate. It's heart wrenchingly painful. One night, out of sheer insanity I made him sit there until he was finished his plate. We started at 6:00P and at 10:00P I threw in the towel and sent him to bed hungry. Chris does all the cooking in our family and on most days he has to make two separate meals, one for us and one for the kids just to make sure they eat. If he doesn't, we pay the price with a night of crying, whining and Tai using his ninja skills to offload whatever he doesn't like eating either to the dog, or into garbage or the toilet when we're not looking. If Chris is not home and I'm responsible for cooking, I consider instant noodles a healthy food group because like it or not, that MSG has kept us Asians looking suspiciously younger than most of our global counterparts.
15. Birthdays are a non-event. I hate entertaining groups of people. My mother in law is fabulous at it. I suspect she has a team of magical gnomes stashed away some where because at all her family parties her house is immaculate, her food is Top Chef grade and prepared by her, the fine china is well presented, the wine is always flowing, she looks beautiful, the conversations keep mingling and everyone is having a grand old time. I just can't pull off that shit. My level of expertise is grilling hot dogs on the BBQ, you help yourself to the bin of booze or stay thirsty, there may or may not be enough toilet paper in the bathroom, instead of an ice sculpture there is a large garbage can placed strategically for all to see so you can dispose your own paper plates and if you can't find a friend amongst the crowd to strike up a conversation then go hang out all awkwardly by yourself in the corner. I'll be frantically grabbing all the half empty cans of pop and booze before Kaiya gets a hold of it. Now I understand why my parents never celebrated our birthdays as it's a load of time, boat loads of money and more stressful than preparing taxes. Yes one day this Mama will pull the immigrant card handed down from my parents and say... Nammer people don't celebrate birthdays because white people are weird.
16. I love hand-me downs. It's like my version of couponing. The funny thing is that when Tai was born, it never occurred to me that with the onset of every season, I need to buy him a brand new wardrobe because he outgrew everything so quickly. I made the rookie mistake of spending a lot of money on his clothes in the first year and then realized that the brand names are for my own ego. Now, my girlfriend Khanh gives me her kid's hand me downs and with my mother in law's shopping addiction, I don't spend that much on their wardrobe. The money I saved, I spend on things like a second iPad so they don't fight.
17. On long car rides, Kaiya may or may not be safely in her car seat. It's either that or I throw myself out the door because throwing her out the door might land me in jail.
18. Sometimes a well placed, strategically smack on the robust buttocks of Miss Kaiya-The-Forgotten/Stubborn-One will save years of her being enrolled in rehab. Yes, when she gets really out of hand and is stubborn enough to endanger her life, I will smack her and I won't care who's looking. Bring your judge on, but of all my parenting faults one thing I have a strong conviction on is that my children will not be a burden to society when they are older. Even if I have to beat them down, they will always respect others and respect themselves.
19. If potty training doesn't come naturally, I won't push the issue. I have yet to see an adult walk around in diapers (unless for medical issues) so I figured everything that parents freak out about like walking, talking, eating, peeing in the toilet and growing teeth and hair will come when it comes. Some parents wear their mad potty training skills like a war scar. I would rather spend the time blogging about my mad parenting skills.
20. I don't attend pilates or yoga or meet up with other mommy groups and spend hours infatuated with being a "Yummy Mummy". I negatively connotate this term like an expired "hipster". The "Yummy Mummy" and "Martha Stewarts" of the world spend hours on Pinterest to create that perfect costume, or stay up until 3AM baking those on trend cake pops for fundraising or volunteer 28 hours in a day to eradicate the world of harmful BPAs in plastics. I don't effortlessly waltz to school every morning with hair and make-up fully on, in heeled boots, pushing the adorable baby that is wearing a mini version of your fabulous outfit in a Bugaboo stroller with a Starbucks in hand, your latest iPhone in the other and having your school kid dressed like he's attending a private academy marching all disciplined beside your Filipino nanny. I prefer sleeping in until the last possible second, rolling to school wearing whatever was on the floor the night before and Tai may or may not be wearing jeans with holes in the knees. I usually yell at him for being so slow, he usually tells me things like how Daddy taught him how to kill zombies and we both have bags under our eyes because Kaiya kept us both up all night with her usual charming self.
Steph, I know you will be in your element because unlike me, you aren't into yourself. Your personality is preset to Parenting perfection because you find moments like playing board games fun (I get ansty because I am literally "bored"). You enjoy slowing down to point out the the little caterpillar that has blended in with the leaf and you go with the flow. Like everything that is hard in life, I know that my kids will be my proudest achievements because they continually challenge every aspect of my life. In the meantime, I'll be hiding in the bathroom reading the new bestselling book on "The Spirited Child" while Kaiya runs around all frantic and screaming, playing with razor blades and practicing her Van Gogh skills with a permanent marker on Daddy's 54" new TV.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Parenting Fails - Part I
This October, I get to finally check something else off my bucket list. No it's not free falling out of an airplane but it has the same level of danger, exhilaration and adrenaline rush. I finally get to be an Auntie! My baby sister and best friend Steph is entering a new chapter in her life. Freshly married, and as predicted by the monsoon that besieged her vows in Mexico, she is carrying a precious gift of life. I have lovingly nicknamed the growing bump as Belly-Belly and because she's family, I get to molest her whenever the moment moves me. The funny thing is, as a big sister you have the heavy burden of making sure you are a role model to your siblings. I am writing this post more as a disclaimer to my baby sister that perhaps when it comes to parenting, she should seek another mentor. I have excelled in many things in life... parenting is just not one of them.
I remember bringing Tai home and the community nurse stopped by on the second day to go over all the services our wonderful health system offers. She discussed the "Blue Period" where a new mother may experience post partum depression and unintentionally harm her baby because of it. She calmly looked into my eyes and said, "Now you know that when you get really upset, you should not shake your baby right?" Due to a lethal combination of hormones crashing, bleeding like I'm dying while wearing a telephone book between my legs and lack of sleep I laughed out loud. Like, I REALLY laughed out loud. Like... maniacally tossed my head back and belted out a deep bellowing cackle. At the time, it seemed like the most ludicrous thing a person would tell you. Of course I wouldn't shake my baby! What kind of lunatic do you think I am? Fast forward two weeks later and I learned that Tai is what the medical community has labelled as colic. He was an inconsolable crier and would cry for long bouts even after he has been fed, changed and was rested. For a new mother the feeling that you can't even console your own child is up there on life's ultimate failure list. After the fourth hour of trying to do everything humanly possible I held out my crying baby and just like that my arms started to shake. I literally was shaking my baby. The haunting words of the community nurse came vehemently back and then I started to cry. I remembered she said to put the baby down in a safe place when it came to that point and just walk away to catch up on my thoughts. With tears burning into my cheeks, I kissed the top of my screaming newborn head and put him into the safety of his crib. I shut the door and walked downstairs. For the next twenty minutes I stared at the beige walls... in total bliss and tuned out the crying demon.
Tai is six years old now and I haven't killed him (yet). In fact, I thought it would be fun to test my boundaries and add to my insanity... er... I mean my family with Kaiya, who will be turning three in July. This generation of parenting is on crack. There I said it. I'm not sure if it's because so many parents are killing themselves by working that they compensate by hyperparenting out of guilt? Or perhaps this cyber world has us so connected that we realize at the tip of our fingers we can have information about anything we want. Unfortunately the backlash is we are bombarded with all these different benchmarks and "experts" that tell you what is good and what is wrong so you have a disillusion that one MUST parent a certain way or carry the dreaded social construct of being the parent of THAT kid. I'm not sure, but one thing I know for a fact is that these hover, super-parents have a bad habit of making my parenting skills look ghetto. Contrary to all the literature on perfect parenting circulating out there, I subscribed to the following ill-parenting practices:
1. I combo fed both babies with breast milk and formula. My husband is a big guy. We made big babies. Unfortunately breast feeding wasn't easy for me even after taking hormone inducing pills so I had to compensate with formula. When Kaiya was born I had to sign a release form from the nurse that I understood the consequences of feeding my child formula. It's like a four letter word in the baby world. Gawd... (eye roll)... yes I, Huong Nguyen, understand that my teeny Asian boobies don't produce enough milk to feed my giant half White babies thus injecting this formula into them will create Michelin rolls. You know, the kind where they get so chubilicious that you need to lift their four chins to clean out the milk coma before it turns to cheese. Tai was so fat at six months he had rashes because his heifer rolls rubbed against each other.
2. It was not love at first sight. Tai spent the first three months just crying. It's really, really, hard to love someone that screams at you for three to five hours at a time for no apparent reason. I did not have that instant deep bond of love until he outgrew his phase which was more at six months. When he finally showed some personality and realized that I wasn't such a horrible person, we did eventually fall in love.
3. I fed my babies food... from a jar. I did not spend more money buying organic yams harvested with magical love from a group of tree-hugging, whale-freeing David Suzukis and blended it with my overpriced, brand-name Kitchen Aid Cusinart that not only dices, chops and folds laundry but looks great parked by my Mercedes as well. The time I saved I did other things, like brush my teeth; and the money I saved I used to buy luxuries, like disposable diapers.
4. I am a technology whore and I use it liberally. My children sat many hours in the loving arms of their mechanical swing, watch a lot of TV, play a lot of video games and now hog my iPad. I will unapologetically spend good money to keep them quiet and from beating on each other. The alternative is I check myself into AA or become that mom that ran away from her family.
5. I am an excellent negotiator. I will bribe with threats, or candy, or a toy or staying up late to get the behavior I need. I don't have the patience to teach them to stop it because it's socially in appropriate to have a melt down right at nap time in the middle of a busy mall because Mommy didn't schedule the day so well.
6. I use drugs as a best defence. If we are travelling in small confinements, I will take one for the team and use physical force to shove medication down Kaiya's throat. It may look alarming to the untrained eye but you will thank me for not exposing you to a child that is screaming, squirming and kicking the back of your seat for the next eight hours.
7. I don't always share. If it's a really good chocolate bar, I will be hiding out in the closet enjoying ALL of it.
8. I don't believe my child needs to be scheduled into every activity to excel in life. There are parents that have their kids in everything from art classes to martial arts, to hockey, to piano lessons to French cooking classes to pre-algebra calculus in an attempt to create an exceptional child. And then they complain that they're so tired from being a professional driver. I hang out with my kids in the backyard. Kaiya shows me how she made two worms by pulling one big one apart. Tai is patiently constructing some kind of fortress out of sand just so his crazy sister will destroy it in one kick. I'm sitting in my hammock drinking a Corona and reading on Facebook all the moms that are stuck in traffic.
9. I prefer working than staying at home. My husband is a real live super hero. He has the emotional endurance to stay at home and run a daycare. I would rather poke my eyes out with burning sticks.
10. I don't do well with humans under four and a half feet. I can't relate and on most days I prefer the company of any other species like... goats or a pit full of venomous snakes.
11. There are days where the thought of throwing my kids out the window or strangling them brings me great pleasure. I hate those older parents that think they are offering sage advice when they say: Enjoy these moments, they grow up so fast! I just want to whack them upside their senile head and shout: You FORGOT how painful it is to be a parent! The moments that I consistently enjoy is bedtime.
I know... how on Earth did I get into breeding? Well, the good news is that we must have tricked Tai's kindergarten teacher pretty well because according to his first report card he is a well liked, talkative, inquisitive and bright young student with really good manners. He does need to work on raising his hand before speaking and remember to not interrupt others.
Oh well, no one is dead so I'll take that as a positive sign of progress. Don't worry Steph, I got this!
I remember bringing Tai home and the community nurse stopped by on the second day to go over all the services our wonderful health system offers. She discussed the "Blue Period" where a new mother may experience post partum depression and unintentionally harm her baby because of it. She calmly looked into my eyes and said, "Now you know that when you get really upset, you should not shake your baby right?" Due to a lethal combination of hormones crashing, bleeding like I'm dying while wearing a telephone book between my legs and lack of sleep I laughed out loud. Like, I REALLY laughed out loud. Like... maniacally tossed my head back and belted out a deep bellowing cackle. At the time, it seemed like the most ludicrous thing a person would tell you. Of course I wouldn't shake my baby! What kind of lunatic do you think I am? Fast forward two weeks later and I learned that Tai is what the medical community has labelled as colic. He was an inconsolable crier and would cry for long bouts even after he has been fed, changed and was rested. For a new mother the feeling that you can't even console your own child is up there on life's ultimate failure list. After the fourth hour of trying to do everything humanly possible I held out my crying baby and just like that my arms started to shake. I literally was shaking my baby. The haunting words of the community nurse came vehemently back and then I started to cry. I remembered she said to put the baby down in a safe place when it came to that point and just walk away to catch up on my thoughts. With tears burning into my cheeks, I kissed the top of my screaming newborn head and put him into the safety of his crib. I shut the door and walked downstairs. For the next twenty minutes I stared at the beige walls... in total bliss and tuned out the crying demon.
Tai is six years old now and I haven't killed him (yet). In fact, I thought it would be fun to test my boundaries and add to my insanity... er... I mean my family with Kaiya, who will be turning three in July. This generation of parenting is on crack. There I said it. I'm not sure if it's because so many parents are killing themselves by working that they compensate by hyperparenting out of guilt? Or perhaps this cyber world has us so connected that we realize at the tip of our fingers we can have information about anything we want. Unfortunately the backlash is we are bombarded with all these different benchmarks and "experts" that tell you what is good and what is wrong so you have a disillusion that one MUST parent a certain way or carry the dreaded social construct of being the parent of THAT kid. I'm not sure, but one thing I know for a fact is that these hover, super-parents have a bad habit of making my parenting skills look ghetto. Contrary to all the literature on perfect parenting circulating out there, I subscribed to the following ill-parenting practices:
1. I combo fed both babies with breast milk and formula. My husband is a big guy. We made big babies. Unfortunately breast feeding wasn't easy for me even after taking hormone inducing pills so I had to compensate with formula. When Kaiya was born I had to sign a release form from the nurse that I understood the consequences of feeding my child formula. It's like a four letter word in the baby world. Gawd... (eye roll)... yes I, Huong Nguyen, understand that my teeny Asian boobies don't produce enough milk to feed my giant half White babies thus injecting this formula into them will create Michelin rolls. You know, the kind where they get so chubilicious that you need to lift their four chins to clean out the milk coma before it turns to cheese. Tai was so fat at six months he had rashes because his heifer rolls rubbed against each other.
2. It was not love at first sight. Tai spent the first three months just crying. It's really, really, hard to love someone that screams at you for three to five hours at a time for no apparent reason. I did not have that instant deep bond of love until he outgrew his phase which was more at six months. When he finally showed some personality and realized that I wasn't such a horrible person, we did eventually fall in love.
3. I fed my babies food... from a jar. I did not spend more money buying organic yams harvested with magical love from a group of tree-hugging, whale-freeing David Suzukis and blended it with my overpriced, brand-name Kitchen Aid Cusinart that not only dices, chops and folds laundry but looks great parked by my Mercedes as well. The time I saved I did other things, like brush my teeth; and the money I saved I used to buy luxuries, like disposable diapers.
4. I am a technology whore and I use it liberally. My children sat many hours in the loving arms of their mechanical swing, watch a lot of TV, play a lot of video games and now hog my iPad. I will unapologetically spend good money to keep them quiet and from beating on each other. The alternative is I check myself into AA or become that mom that ran away from her family.
5. I am an excellent negotiator. I will bribe with threats, or candy, or a toy or staying up late to get the behavior I need. I don't have the patience to teach them to stop it because it's socially in appropriate to have a melt down right at nap time in the middle of a busy mall because Mommy didn't schedule the day so well.
6. I use drugs as a best defence. If we are travelling in small confinements, I will take one for the team and use physical force to shove medication down Kaiya's throat. It may look alarming to the untrained eye but you will thank me for not exposing you to a child that is screaming, squirming and kicking the back of your seat for the next eight hours.
7. I don't always share. If it's a really good chocolate bar, I will be hiding out in the closet enjoying ALL of it.
8. I don't believe my child needs to be scheduled into every activity to excel in life. There are parents that have their kids in everything from art classes to martial arts, to hockey, to piano lessons to French cooking classes to pre-algebra calculus in an attempt to create an exceptional child. And then they complain that they're so tired from being a professional driver. I hang out with my kids in the backyard. Kaiya shows me how she made two worms by pulling one big one apart. Tai is patiently constructing some kind of fortress out of sand just so his crazy sister will destroy it in one kick. I'm sitting in my hammock drinking a Corona and reading on Facebook all the moms that are stuck in traffic.
9. I prefer working than staying at home. My husband is a real live super hero. He has the emotional endurance to stay at home and run a daycare. I would rather poke my eyes out with burning sticks.
10. I don't do well with humans under four and a half feet. I can't relate and on most days I prefer the company of any other species like... goats or a pit full of venomous snakes.
11. There are days where the thought of throwing my kids out the window or strangling them brings me great pleasure. I hate those older parents that think they are offering sage advice when they say: Enjoy these moments, they grow up so fast! I just want to whack them upside their senile head and shout: You FORGOT how painful it is to be a parent! The moments that I consistently enjoy is bedtime.
I know... how on Earth did I get into breeding? Well, the good news is that we must have tricked Tai's kindergarten teacher pretty well because according to his first report card he is a well liked, talkative, inquisitive and bright young student with really good manners. He does need to work on raising his hand before speaking and remember to not interrupt others.
Oh well, no one is dead so I'll take that as a positive sign of progress. Don't worry Steph, I got this!
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