Bird Watching

Up until Grade 12 I really had no religion or solid form of spirituality guiding me.  My parents instilled strong values and principles of what was right and what was wrong and that's what I had relied on to navigate this complicated Earth. 

My parents immigrated here from Vietnam when I was one and arrived with literally nothing.  I can't even be cliche and say, "with just the clothes on their backs" because shortly after being rescued at sea, the Phillipines officials made everyone strip to incinerate all the clothing as a precaution against infectuous diseases spreading amongst the refugee camps.  Growing up, my parents worked very hard to ensure our tummy were always full, our clothes were clean and we had a warm and safe place to sleep and play.   We did not have much money yet we were very weathly.  In this simplicity we were taught to appreciate everything we had so I grew up as a pretty happy go lucky kid with many memories of laughter.  Luckily I had a very sheltered life which meant I never had to question the existence of anything that I couldn't feel, see, touch, smell, hear or taste.  Well, until I turned 18.

In 1991 we moved in a fourplex where we quickly befriended the Azure family.  They had a similar dynamic consisting of 3 kids with similar ages so between the 6 of us, we always had someone to play with.  The Azures moved back to Saskatchewan 2 years later and we have kept in touch ever since.  In the summer of 1996 I was lucky enough to spend three weeks with the Azures on the reserve of Muskoday - which is about a 30 minute drive from Prince Albert in Saskatchewan.  They had a medicine man residing with them mainly to teach Joyce (the mother) the art of Native healing.   If you met Henry, nothing about the very average looking Native elder would ever lead you to believe that he created miracles.  Like, this man had a reputation of curing Cancer and AIDS.  Being a critical thinker, I was skeptical of his "abilities" but not challenging to the point that I was narrow minded or rude about it.

The first time I met Henry I could tell he was analyzing me.  He had an intense stare and was a man of very little words.  For some random reason we were discussing everyone's "totem".  A totem is the animal spirit that guides each Native person.  I remember laughing at Bob's totem (one of the Azure boys) and teasingly asked if it was a Donkey since most of the time Bob was very good at making himself look like a jack-ass.  In defence, Bob proudly anounced it was an animal of a more noble pedigree.  I sneered in doubt.  Henry was quietly at the kitchen table with his back to us doing his own thing when he suddenly whipped his chair around.  Our eyes deadlocked and with the same intensity he blurted out, "I think yours is a Crow because one keeps following you."  Besides saying "Hi" when we were first introduced this was the most Henry spoke to me during the entire week.

Gulp.  Breathe.  My depth of religion is very shallow but for some reason I knew what Crows signified from watching movies.  Ya... A.W.K.W.A.R.D.  I broke my eye contact with Henry and he nonchalantly turned around resuming to whatever he was doing.

That night I had a quiet moment with Joyce to myself so I bravely recalled Henry's strange observation for her analysis.  She was a little shocked.  Usually medicine men needed to go into a sweat lodge to receive guidance about another person's totem or native name.  Unless of course their animal totem is so strong and therefore very visible that even an untranced spiritual person can see them.  Fascinating.  I think I peed my panties.  Joyce detected my uneasiness so she broke the tension by saying that she'll ask him what he exactly meant because having a Crow totem had heavy implications.  Why couldn't he have said something cuddly like a bunny rabbit or maybe a hamster?  Hell, at this point I would have even taken the Donkey over the Crow.  Jeezes...

The Crow has many meanings depending on the culture.  The closest I found in definition to the Cree culture as explained to me by Joyce can be found here: http://hubpages.com/hub/Crow-Totem-Meanings.

A week later, Joyce finally got back to me as Henry was away travelling to a sweat lodge ceremony.  She clarified that Henry did mention he keeps see a Crow following me but he actually doesn't think it's my birth totem because my energy is so different from the Crow's.  Great... the plot thickens.  Again, he would need to fast in a sweat ceremony and ask but it is very peculiar because this is the first time he has ever encountered this.  Awesome... the story just gets better.

Now I have a confession.  I am the biggest chicken shit when it comes to "scary" things.  Like I don't watch horror movies, I can't listen to ghost stories and I don't have the stomach for anything paranormal.  I will be the first idiot breaking down and crying in a fetal position should I ever see something that was not grounded in this world.  My imagination is my gift and also my threat.  I can read a scary story and my vivid imagination would betray me, meaning I would not sleep for weeks as the images are burnt into my head.

So as you can appreciate, the "stories" of my monkey on my back has me on heightened alert.  Who knows why the hell the medicine man can see a damn Crow following me everywhere.  I wish I can say Henry was a drunk and smoked maybe one too many sweet grasses but that gut feeling somehow told me that even if that was the case... the coincidences are too many for me to ignore at this point.  I travelled to the other side of the Earth to have a Demon test his chompers on me and now in the Land of Eh, a medicine man is birdwatching wherever I go.  All smashingly poetic. 

Traditionally, one needs to find their totem through their own spiritual journey.  You need to basically go solo into nature and create a sweat lodge of your own where you fast and meditate and in that trance, an animal spirit would select you.  Considering my dad would karate chop Joyce into a million pieces if she actually sent his city-slick daughter into the woods by herself with no food, a bottle of water and a machete, it was obvious we needed another method to our questions.  I needed answers and Joyce can tell.  "You can come to a sweat lodge with me next week if you would like.  We might not get your answers but you never know." 

Sounds good.  How hard can a sweat lodge be?  I spent 4 weeks dying of heat and humidity in Vietnam fighting off swarms of bugs (and apparently one demon).  I figured if I surivived shopping at noon in the heart of Saigon - which was equivalent to being in a toxic pressure cooker because the population of a million people are bargaining in a block of land - that this sweat lodge thing would be a walk in the park. 

I was certain this sweat lodge thing would probably feel like a nice sauna right?  Ya right...