I am feeling rebellious. I am tired of all the responsibilities of adulthood. I despise paying taxes, paying bills, planning for retirement, eating healthy, saving for my children's education, reading all the whack-out politics, seeing people abuse positions of power, convincing a toddler to behave, teaching a pre-schooler the art of manners, encouraging negative people that life is worth living passionately for, carrying the burden of slackers, defending what is mine and bridging the gap of stupid people. I guess you can say I have become a cesspool of bitchiness and I'm really starting to offend even myself. Which is strange... because usually I am my own number one cheerleader and I can amuse myself with my witty monologues for endless hours.
Laura chats with me on Facebook in an attempt to soothe the madness that my life has taken on in the last two years. I appreciate her empathy and on my good nights I do try to "let the moment pass" as she advise but most of the nights I am just steaming mad that my perfectly planned scheme is perfectly chaotic. I guess I really shouldn't be that surprised. I knew this day would come.
When I was younger I wanted to save the whales. I figured a profession as a marine biologist or a veternarian was a good match for my compassion for Nature and all her creatures. Some where in high school a charismatic business teacher inspired me to build an empire and so began my descent into the dark side of capitalism. Even in my tender teens I knew that perhaps this consumeristic economy wasn't sustainable so I tried to justify that I will just "become filthy rich" and give money to the David Suzuki's of the world to buy my soul back. In University I always got the strangest look when I tried to explain to people that I had a joint major in Environmental Studies in the Faculty of Geography and a Marketing degree in Business. It was like trying to explain that you really are a Nun but you just so happened to run a Brothel.
So since I was 16 I have honed my business skills and have taken big box empires to new heights often claiming number 1 in sales and loving every step of my career. 18 years later I am revisiting if I really am on the right path. Everything I thought I had carefully built is slowly dismantling itself. It's almost like it's the Universe's way of telling me this path is no longer available so I need to seek out another route.
I figured the day I become spiritually empty as a person is the day I return to my roots as an Ambassador of a Nature. Life is simplier in this outlook. I define myself by not the income on my tax return but rather by the richness of my relationships. Instead of asking for more, I am appreciating what I have. I would surround myself in peace rather than don another survival suit in a meaningless rat race.
I have been fantasizing about running away to a remote place like Bora Bora. Where the hardest question is to appreciate the sunrise or to appreciate the sunset? Where I deplug from the negativity and coccoon myself in the art of enjoying life. I would like to spend my days reading, writing, creating and contemplating instead of analyzing, strategizing and forecasting. I would like to teach my babies the power of love, laughter and compassion then educate them on the bullies and pedophiles that lurk in our corners. I would rather trade my 3,000 square foot home (valued at almost an obnoxious million dollars) for a treehouse in the rainforest. Running around bare breasted in a loin cloth, singing songs, braiding my hair and eating grubs is appealing more to me right about now.
It is said, when old systems no longer work it will be dismantled so new ones can be created. I think I have finally let go and come to the realization that it's time to step into an Enlightened Period.
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