I was at work and luckily it was slow because I cried the rest of the day. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't feel like eating. I didn't want to rationalize my feelings. Actually, I just went numb and didn't feel like feeling anything. It just hurts.
Audrey and I met at IKEA. It was the first day of orientation and this petite woman with fiery red hair was snickering something to her friend when we were introducing ourselves to our new team. Some how she found great humor in the fact that there was a "Dick" and "Huong" (pronounced "Hung") working in the same building as she did. Being the unabashedly-inappropriate-gutter-thinking-Miss-Sassy-Pants that she is, she offered the following observation, "Hey you and Dick should sit beside each other then I can say, Hello Huong Dick!" She then rolled over into laughter literally killing herself at her cleverness. Annoyed that this much older woman was blowing a gasket at my expense, I rolled my eyes and in the whiniest voice I can imitate I innocently asked, "What are you... two?" "Actually I'm four!" she proudly announces. It was LOVE at first sight.
Every time Audrey and I get together the sparks fly. You know how budgies sits contently on the perch staring into the mirror for hours saying, "Pretty bird!" Well... ya, this is the core of our relationship. Audrey and I share the same passion for (*ahem) making fun of stupid people, defying authority figures, talking our way out of any situation and enjoying the adventures of life. Let's just say upper management was always in fear whenever we decided to agree on a topic that was not popular management opinion. We snickered petty comments through big yawn fests such as meetings and corporate leadership bullshit workshops. We took extended coffee and ice cream breaks. We were always hushed in the office and glared at for being rowdy. We knew how to have a good time and didn't really care if you heard or it affected your productivity levels.
Our friendship bloomed outside the four Swedish blue walls. Most of the time it involved some form of fermented wheat or grape but the robust discussions of life and the meanderings of its meaning always weaved its way into the debates. We are prolific debaters. We pondered about living outside our comfort zones and chasing our real dreams. We digested and scrutinized what obstacles were holding us back. Audrey is one of the very few people in my life that can keep up with my unquenching thirst for knowledge. Every second spent with Audrey ignited every cell in me. Her energy is just beautifully incredible.
Have you ever had those moments when you meet a person and without sounding totally stalkerish your Spirit just screams, "YOU are going to be my new best friend!" yet you have never exchanged one word? You just... KNEW. This is the case with Audrey for me.
Four years ago Audrey was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Four years ago, Audrey shifted from being a friend to being an inspirational mentor. She started her Blog to document her journey and more than anything to connect with people so we can learn the REAL essence of being human. She is a talented writer but always was unsure of her ability. Like many of us, she created obstacles as to why she couldn't live her dream when she was healthy. It took cancer to finally live her dream.
Audrey's diagnosis really struck a chord deep within. I abruptly gave my eight year career with IKEA the middle finger salute as it no longer brought me any happiness and started living one of my dreams of being an entrepreneur. My dream has immersed me in the world of extreme material wealth. Never in my wildest dream would I imagine myself involved in such luxuries. Ironically, the people living the life of luxury are tortured souls accumulating wealth to compensate for spiritual balance. Such a funny detour my life has taken me. I spend a lot of time counselling their souls rather than picking the perfect herringbone fabric. I get caught up in all this materialistic garbage and then I go home and spend a lot of time grounding myself.
I find beauty in the vibrancy of the rose fiercely blooming despite of me moving it into the shade. I love the silence of the evening when I stare up into the vast indigo open sky and my mind wanders to the possibilities of other realms. My heart sings when I fill my lungs with the salty air of the sea and my toes are grounded into the wet sand. I feel humbled when the wind kisses my skin on a hot sweltering day. When I come through the door and Kaiya screams at the top of her lungs, "Mama's home!" everything feels perfect. These gifts are given by Audrey as each Blog she posts reminds me to appreciate the REAL meaning of life.
My face is still hurting from all the crying and through my tears I try to focus on booking the correct flight to Edmonton. What I actually want to do is yell at God and say, "Fuck YOU man. YOU suck ass." My soul sister Laura calms me down and reminds me that Audrey wrote her life plan so therefore everything will unfold perfectly. Being human means we do not have the mental capacity to see the full picture but only fragments. What appears as imperfect is only a delusional perception. We must TRUST that Divine plan is perfect. My brain is working over drive to debunk her theory but my heart hums beautifully to her words. I KNOW she is right. We all will eventually return Home to our real state of perfect energy beings of love and light.
In the meantime, we have all accepted our perfectly imperfect human body and have a really SHORT time wearing it. Why waste your time worrying about the future? Why dishonor our journey by being stuck in the past? Why disrespect your purpose by being immobilized by fear?
Silvia travels with me to The Cross Center to visit Audrey. As soon as we saw each other, the three of us burst into tears. Silvia is the more mushy one of the three and she gently strokes Audrey's hair and plants gentle kisses on her beautiful face. Audrey asks about my crazy baby girl and I throw my hands up in frustration as say, "I don't know what happened to her. Kaiya is crazy. I some how broke the second baby." She starts laughing so hard which then ignites all three of us into a huge giggle fit.
This moment feels perfect.
(I pulled this card after I posted this Blog.)
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