Modern Parenting

Call me old fashion.  Actually, scratch that.  Call me old school since old fashion means my parent's generation and I want to be clear I am one generation cooler.  But what the hell happened to this generation of kids and more deeply, what the hell happened to the "cool" old school parents that are raising this generation of kids?

If you follow my blog, you'll know that three things consume my time.  My kids, the general population of idiots and spirituality.  I obsess about the insanity of these three elements and naturally it overflows into my writing which I find therapeutic in organizing all my thoughts.  Writing helps me from joining the League of Shadow Assassins and I believe, on some small level, helps those reading, from culling the human herd.  Yes misery loves company and insanity is safer in numbers. 

One of my quirks of being a parent is that I actually don't seek out other parents to hang out with.  When Tai was born, I used to walk a lot with him outdoors and I would always run into a fleet of "yummy mummies".  Dressed head to toe in Lululemon yoga gear, pushing babies in their thousand dollars strollers, these packs of women would meet on the boardwalk in Steveston and sweat off their last ten "baby pounds" in high impact cardio flair as the boot camp woman draws blood and yells for an extra minute of running on the spot.  Glistening in gorgeous sweat, they would all gather afterwards at Starbucks, drinking their skinny latte and discussing the newest Pinterest recipe for gluten free, organic, vegan cookie recipes using free range eggs because it's only like, two calories.  Don't get me wrong, all these mommies seem really sweet and well educated in all things mommies and I have been invited many times to join the club as they are a very inclusive group.  Personally, I would rather run naked through a mile of hell fire then obsess with parenting on this level of detail.  My survival skill was and has always been to avoid this group of hyper parenting.  Besides, who wants to feel like you're lower than a crack whore because you are THAT parent that dishes up sugary bowls of cereal chased by full-fat cake for dinner and do it all graciously guilt free?

As I add to my family and Tai eases into the school system I am yet again assaulted with the hyper parents of the world.  Luckily for us, Tai is a really easy going kid and plays well with everyone.  We work really hard to instill values such as compassion and kindness which Tai practices on an hourly basis with his crazy sister.  Tai is always requested for play dates and 90% of the time we make up some lame excuse to avoid the "play date."  Partially because I find the structure constricting and also because I really resent the modern parenting movement of scheduling every experience for my kid.  I am a nurturer but at my core, my approach to life is I nurture the child not my ideals of what I think my child should be.  Yes the responsibility of a parent is you always keep your child safe first and foremost.  Lessons such as swimming is a non-negotiable as it is a life skill.  But is it really necessary to schedule Junior from the minute he wakes up until the minute his head hits the pillow? 

So many parents are spending their entire life chauffeuring their children around from lesson, to activity, to tutors, to play dates and then back to the nanny.  I understand the motive is to position your child with the best life can offer so when they become adults, they can have everything.  It's only natural for a parent to give their children the very best chance at life as the instinct is ingrained to produce the best prodigal son. 

This is where my old schoolness kicks in.  I am from the belief system that the structure of family values such as respect, kindness, compassion, and unconditional love is absolutely a non negotiable for every child.  When I was growing up my parents worked very hard and materialistically, we had the basics.  They provided a roof over our head, we wore clean clothes and there was always plenty of food.  Back then everything was less complicated.  We played in the back alleys, or backyard, or in ditches, or in forests, or in the river and my parents trusted that we were smart enough to stay out of any real danger.  I used to ride my bike with my brother and friends from one side of Richmond to the other side of Richmond when I was 12 years old.  We played tag with the entire neighborhood until it was dark.  I may or may not have killed some tadpoles trying to raise an army of frogs.  We used to jump off swings at it's highest peak for a cheap thrill.  Some of my fondest memories involved me eating fruit uninvited from a random person's yard.  To my parents' dismay, Lairay always brought home countless orphaned animals to be nurtured back to health.  Sometimes our friends were good for us, sometimes they were assholes and yes sometimes we had to defend ourselves from other kids that had a need to be cruel.  Education was a priority but we never had any pressure to do this or do that.  As kids, I took swimming lessons, my sister dabbled in gymnastics and we were all forced to take Vietnamese lessons.  That's it.  Now here's the kicker.  How does someone like me, who had a very basic upbringing with very little parent intervention or guidance get so driven or competitive in her adult life? 

One of my beloved girlfriends Sam has a very different story.  She was an only child to two parents that abused alcohol.  To support their addiction, her basic rights as a child was always compromised.  Luckily for her she was "adopted" by angel neighbors and extended aunts and uncles that made sure she didn't go hungry, was clothed and she was always invited over for special occasions such as Christmas which eased the loneliness of an absentee family.  Sam worked hard to not repeat her parent's legacy.  She went to school, excelled in post secondary, worked part-time jobs to pay her bills and now she is a RCMP constable and has a family of two.  Even though she didn't have my family foundation and even though she was totally neglected, she grew up by the strength of her own Spirit to become an outstanding pillar of the community.  How did Sam, who practically raised herself, manage to have this outcome instead of falling into the cliche of the victim role?

I call people in the 18-30 age bracket Generation Entitlement.  This generation of young adults have statistically proven that mental issues such as depression and anxiety is the number one cause of living an unhappy and unfulfilled life.  For some reason, instead of being grateful for all the amazing things happening in their life, they choose to focus on everything that is not going as they originally envisioned.  For some reason, this generation just expects successful things to happen to them regardless if they sowed the seeds for it or not.  When their high level of expectation is not met with the reality of it, their spirit is crushed and they go spiralling down into the dark pit of despair and they just give up.  The irony is the bulk of these kids are from middle class to well endowed families.  Some where in the world, a young boy that is half starved, missing a limb from accidentally stepping on a mine bomb, with rags for clothes has a giant smile on his face while he is kicking a soccer ball made out of our First World garbage.  Clearly, something went seriously wrong with the parenting of Generation Entitlement.  Maybe it was because their parents grilled into their heads that they can do anything and be everything just because they are "special"?  Maybe this nurture tactic backfired and created a generation of angry, sad, and thus stagnant communities that can't move forward.  Instead of contributing to a better world, we now have unemployed whiners sitting on their ass complaining to their parents that their life sucks because they didn't become that rock star their parents said they can.

Some days I fantasize of running away from my First World problems and disappearing into a smaller remote town where the pressure to schedule 30 hours of the day is non existent.  I prefer watching Kaiya and Tai discover the wonder of beach combing life to sitting in a cold arena with other parents so pissing mad that they're giving death threats to the poor coach who is volunteering his time.  I enjoy indulging Kaiya in the secret world of Fairies by hunting for mushrooms in the backyard to seeing my child crack because the pressure is too great when they didn't get first place in the Pig-Latin spelling bee.  The true nature of children is best to be nurtured in unstructured play.  In the quiet space without parent intervention, Junior will learn their boundaries, will discover their happiness, will have the opportunity to apply your value system and will have the chance to bloom when faced with the inevitable hardships that is Life.  Having you, a text away dictating to Junior that his professor is an idiot for not giving him an A on his assignment or calling Junior's boss to belittle her for not giving Junior the promotion is enabling the next wave of dysfunctional generations.

My greatest wish for humanity is we move into an era of Enlightenment.  To make this happen, nurturing comes from within and by teaching our children the core of our humanity lies in compassion, kindness and respect.  Instead of placing value on amassing materialistic wealth for the Self, we need to place higher value of being of service to Others which in turn will create real happiness.  If we side step these core values and inject parenting based on fear then be prepared to be the proud parent of Generation Self-Destruct.  All these kids who have been programmed to not think on their own won't be able to handle their adult life so would just rather end it. 

You know, our children doesn't have to end up like this.  Be the change you want to see in the world.