I Have What?

On March 13 I had a really bizarre sensation.  This time it had nothing to do with paranormal activity.  I woke up feeling funny but dismissed it since I am a mother of two and had a world to conquer.  I go about my day and start work at the store.  The entire day I felt like something was sitting on my chest and I just felt "anxious."  I actually don't feel anxious but I guess if I did, this would be the best word to describe my sensation.  I would be doing my mundane things at work, like sweeping, taking money, talking about how shitty our weather is, selling people pretty things they don't really need but definitely I need them to have and so on.  I have done this millions of times... yet every action I did I felt anxious about doing it.  Near the end of my day I was exhausted from feeling "anxious."  My mind also functioned at a sluggish pace and my eyes felt like they weren't really taking in all the stimulation of my environment.

I went home and told my sister my strange feelings.  Being the loving person that she is, she perkily chirped, "It sounds like you're having a heart attack.  Did you know heart attacks in women are more subtle so women die from it all the time because they dismiss it?"  Well, if I didn't have a heart attack I certainly did after Steph's non-academically haphazard assessment.  Of course I jump onto the Internet and do what you're not suppose to do and self diagnose my symptoms.  Sure enough, according to the black and white print on my screen I was experiencing a major coronary heart failure... So what if I am perfectly healthy, have no major surgeries, don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, eat well and sleep well and only 34 (Gawd, I sound so boring)?  It also didn't help that in big bold letters on this government funded website it says: Don't worry that your symptoms could end up being a false alarm or a sign of some other condition. Not getting help could cost you your life.  I attempt to dismiss the extreme prognosis by Facebook chatting a nurse friend of mine and she politely tells me in broken messages: Dude, chill out. Ur jist stressed. Go drink beer. 

I slunk down to Lairay's garage and explain to both my siblings that according to the website I had heart failure.  Steph has moved past any concerns for my imminent death and has started admiring her crafty wedding hangers that she manipulated into fancy names like: Bride.  Lairay is chirping in his high pitch "doggy" voice to convince his Yorkie Terrier that she really is the prettiest puppy on the block.  Clearly, my notification to my next of kin fell on deaf ears.  Realizing my attention was defeated by a hanger and a mop dog I protested, "Maybe I should go to the hospital."  Both paused and offered to drive me there if I felt it was necessary.  I didn't have the energy for drama in ER so I went to bed instead and quietly said a prayer to keep me safe in my sleep.

On March 23 I woke up feeling really unwell.  Chris let me sleep an extra hour and started kids on their morning routine.  I had a long lists of things to take care of so I forced myself into the shower and begrudgingly trotted through the trenches.  Just before leaving the house I had this overwhelming surge of nausea and ran to the bathroom to puke.  Great... nothing like kicking off the morning with a fresh pot of vomit.  Running already behind I jumped into my car and started the drive to my first stop, a wholesaler in Burnaby.  On route, the same sensation that over took me last Tuesday started manifesting itself.  I had to really concentrate on my driving because I felt my mind was foggy and my alertness was diluted.  When I went into the warehouse I started to really feel off.  Suddenly, the room started to spin, I felt uneasy on my feet and had to lean on a shelving unit for balance.  I felt extremely nauseous, my heart was racing, I can feel my temperature rising and I realized I might have been at the point of blacking out.  I sat down to steady myself and my chest felt extremely tight and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.  I think I sat on the floor for about 15 minutes before I felt strong enough to stand.  I gathered my composure, went to pay for everything and then loaded the car.  As I was driving I noticed that although the nausea diminshed, the rapid heart beat was still pounding so loudly that I can hear it above Adam Levine's and Christina's "Moves Like Jagger" which was blasting.  Finally some neurons fired to the correct synapse and I decided to drive myself to Richmond Hospital.

As I walked through ER I can see the room was packed and in the corner of my eye, a young man had a metal rod impaled through his calf and he was screaming in obvious pain.  I walked up to triage and explained what happened.  The nurse assigned me immediately to a room and before I knew it, four nurses and a doctor had me changed into a gown, flat on my back with electrodes hooked up to machines.  I wasn't prepared for the onset of total invasion so I started to tear up in fear more than pain.  As per usual, my veins went into hiding and it took 3 attempts and 2 collapses valves later to find an IV.  Nine vials of blood, one urine sample, a chest x-ray, one bag of Gravol, one bag of Saline, hours worth of EKG readings, one dinner serving that looked pre-chewed, one parking ticket and seven hours later I was finally discharged.  The good news is I am not pregnant and I was able to successfully dispute my $75 parking violation.  The bad news is that they found extra heart beats throughout my echocardiograms which normally is not a big deal but in the Asian population can be an indicator for some type of heart disease. 

Yesterday my consultation with a cardiologist confirms that I have PVCs... a premature ventricular contraction.  In stupid talk it means my heart has extra heart beats to make up for... a blood clot, busted valves, poor arteries... dancing unicorns... whatever.  In my case, the misfirings are so loud that the cardiologist didn't even need his simple stethoscope to feel them.  Again, the good news is that I am not crazy and yes I can hear my heart beats (now for the voices in my head...)  After reviewing my health history he is not too overly concerned but yes, the trigger for this could be all the stress that has compounded for the last 2 years.

I have 3 more exploratory tests to rule out malignant heart issues.  On Saturday I will be wearing a heart monitor for 24 hours to see if my PVCs are consistent or intermittent.  I also have a stress test and a ultrasound lined up in the next few weeks.  In the meantime my heart continues to flutter, palipate funny, miss heart beats and if nothing, causing me a great deal of emotional distress.  I always knew I beat to the rhythm of a different drummer but seriously, this is not exactly what I had in mind.

One Way Ticket To Bora Bora

I am feeling rebellious.  I am tired of all the responsibilities of adulthood.  I despise paying taxes, paying bills, planning for retirement, eating healthy, saving for my children's education, reading all the whack-out politics, seeing people abuse positions of power, convincing a toddler to behave, teaching a pre-schooler the art of manners, encouraging negative people that life is worth living passionately for, carrying the burden of slackers, defending what is mine and bridging the gap of stupid people.  I guess you can say I have become a cesspool of bitchiness and I'm really starting to offend even myself.  Which is strange... because usually I am my own number one cheerleader and I can amuse myself with my witty monologues for endless hours.

Laura chats with me on Facebook in an attempt to soothe the madness that my life has taken on in the last two years.  I appreciate her empathy and on my good nights I do try to "let the moment pass" as she advise but most of the nights I am just steaming mad that my perfectly planned scheme is perfectly chaotic.  I guess I really shouldn't be that surprised.  I knew this day would come. 

When I was younger I wanted to save the whales.  I figured a profession as a marine biologist or a veternarian was a good match for my compassion for Nature and all her creatures.  Some where in high school a charismatic business teacher inspired me to build an empire and so began my descent into the dark side of capitalism.  Even in my tender teens I knew that perhaps this consumeristic economy wasn't sustainable so I tried to justify that I will just "become filthy rich" and give money to the David Suzuki's of the world to buy my soul back.  In University I always got the strangest look when I tried to explain to people that I had a joint major in Environmental Studies in the Faculty of Geography and a Marketing degree in Business.  It was like trying to explain that you really are a Nun but you just so happened to run a Brothel.

So since I was 16 I have honed my business skills and have taken big box empires to new heights often claiming number 1 in sales and loving every step of my career.  18 years later I am revisiting if I really am on the right path.  Everything I thought I had carefully built is slowly dismantling itself.  It's almost like it's the Universe's way of telling me this path is no longer available so I need to seek out another route.

I figured the day I become spiritually empty as a person is the day I return to my roots as an Ambassador of a Nature.  Life is simplier in this outlook.  I define myself by not the income on my tax return but rather by the richness of my relationships.  Instead of asking for more, I am appreciating what I have.  I would surround myself in peace rather than don another survival suit in a meaningless rat race. 

I have been fantasizing about running away to a remote place like Bora Bora.  Where the hardest question is to appreciate the sunrise or to appreciate the sunset?  Where I deplug from the negativity and coccoon myself in the art of enjoying life.  I would like to spend my days reading, writing, creating and contemplating instead of analyzing, strategizing and forecasting.  I would like to teach my babies the power of love, laughter and compassion then educate them on the bullies and pedophiles that lurk in our corners.  I would rather trade my 3,000 square foot home (valued at almost an obnoxious million dollars) for a treehouse in the rainforest.  Running around bare breasted in a loin cloth, singing songs, braiding my hair and eating grubs is appealing more to me right about now.

It is said, when old systems no longer work it will be dismantled so new ones can be created.  I think I have finally let go and come to the realization that it's time to step into an Enlightened Period.